Page 109 of Perfect Mess

Gary tried to intervene. “Actually, that one’s already taken. I was going to give it to Mary.”

“Ah,” Janet smiled at me and winked. “Gary’s giving you one of his paintings, huh?”

“No,” I blurted. “Gary’s not giving me anything.” I liked the painting, sure, but what I did not like was the look on Janet’s face. She was clearly beginning to think there was something going on between Gary and me, which would only make matters worse. I had to do whatever it took to keep the plan on track. “You should take it, Janet. It would look perfect in your place. Maybe Gary could come over and help you hang it on the wall.”

“Actually,” said Janet, “I was thinking Jack could put it in his office.”

“You were?” Jack wrinkled his nose.

“You can put it in one of the exam rooms. That way your patients will have something nice to look at while you’re, you know …” Janet pointed at my crotch. “While you’re examining their hoo-haw.” I don’t know why she chose my crotch for a visual reference point. And who the hell calls it a ‘hoo-haw?’

“Great,” Gary put on a smile, but his tone reminded me of the dark clouds in the painting. Under his breath, he mumbled, “Just what every artist dreams of.”

When Jack and Janet weren’t looking, I slid in beside Gary and wrapped my hand around his arm. “It’s okay,” I whispered. “You can paint me a new one.” I could feel the muscle in his forearm tense.

When he turned to look at me, his mood seemed to have brightened. Like the glimmer of yellow in the swirling dark skies. “Deal.”

As Gary was wrapping Last Flight in bubble wrap, and Jack was reluctantly pulling out his wallet, Jack said, “So Lare, did you get roped into going to this engagement party thing too?”

“Engagement party?” Gary looked confused. Which was understandable. Because he didn’t know about the engagement party. I hadn’t told him. The last thing I wanted to deal with was Jack and Gary at the same event, in the same room. My plan was to divide and conquer, not combine, and have a nervous breakdown.

Jack continued, “Yeah. Some old couple, Mary and Janet, play pickleball with.”

Gary looked at me sideways, eyes boring into me. “I never got an invitation.”

“I figured you wouldn’t be interested.” I picked at my funnel cake, which was so drenched with melted ice cream it disintegrated when I poked it with my plastic fork.

“Yeah, well, I don’t blame you.” Jack handed Gary a hundred-dollar bill. “Karaoke night. It’s going to be a nightmare.”

“Yeah, see? Karaoke night.” Looking up at Gary, I said, “You’d be miserable.”

“What are you talking about, Mary?” Janet helped Gary tape the last piece of bubble wrap around the frame. “Gary was the captain of the Glee Club back in high school.”Damn it, I had forgotten about that.“Hey Gary, remember our duet?”

A sly smile crept over Gary’s face. “How could I forget?”

A weird feeling settled in my stomach. At first I thought it might have been too much dip sampling. But then I realized the uneasy queasiness in my stomach wasn’t the Habanero Lime. Or the Chipotle Avocado. Even Horseradish Crab. It was dread. Things were spinning out of control, and I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to wrangle the chaos. I felt like a circus clown juggling meat cleavers while riding a unicycle on a tightrope over a cage of tigers.

“Well,” I said. “Even if he wanted to come, he can’t. I’m sure Gary has to get home to Kyle. You know how hard it is to find a good babysitter these days.”

“Actually, Kyle has a sleepover at his friend’s house tonight, so I’m good,” said Gary.

“Then it’s settled,” Janet declared.

“Sorry dude.” Jack hit Gary with another back clap.

ChapterTwenty-Five

By the time I got to the brewery that night, the engagement party was well under way. Dick, Mabel, and their guests dominated the far corner of the room. Janet, Jack, and Gary had already secured a table, a little too close to the karaoke machine for my liking.

I had planned to get there earlier, but after I helped Gary pack up his paintings when the farmer’s market ended, I went home and jumped in the shower, standing there until the hot water ran cold, hoping for some sort of inspiration. Some brilliant idea to survive the night, without all of my plans completely falling apart.

Somehow, I had to get Janet to notice Gary, and make sure it was crystal clear that Gary and I were not even remotely, or possibly or potentially, together. Then, as if that weren’t difficult enough, I had to get Jack to notice me, without noticing what I was really up to.

When no lightbulbs magically popped up over my head, I got out of the shower, got dressed, and flopped down on my rented couch. Purrfect jumped on the coffee table and stared at me, but didn’t come up with any bright ideas either. Miraculously, she hadn’t ripped off the pink bandana yet. She was probably still trying to figure out a way to slip it off and then use it to strangle me.

I lingered in the front entryway of the brewery for a couple of moments, gathering my courage and my strength. Edna, from pickleball class, was up on stage singing a Rod Stewart classic.

If you want my body …

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