Page 79 of Poolside

Chuck was painfully aware of the people around them, of the fact that this was Tommy’s moment and he’d chosen to bring Chuck along as hisdate. Tommy had inadvertently set a bomb off in his life by coming out unexpectedly at a professional event, one that could determine his future and a promotion that was important to him.

Chuck didn’t eat—he couldn’t do anything but sip coffee, even though he knew it would only make him feel worse in the long run. He felt Tommy’s glances, and knew he was worried.

“You okay?” Tommy whispered, concern etched onto his expressive face as he leaned over into Chuck’s space.

“Fine,” Chuck managed. “Just tired.”

Tommy searched his eyes and Chuck tried to hold his gaze. Tommy’s thumb brushed over Chuck’s chin. It was a weird thing to do, touching a chin, but it was such an oddly sweet gesture that Chuck had to will himself not to cry. “Go take a nap,” Tommy commanded softly, still looking at him like he was trying to figure out what was bothering him.

What would he do when he realized the thing that was destroying him was Chuck himself?

Chuck nodded, grateful for the excuse to retreat. His limbs were wooden as he climbed the stairs, throat tight for no reason at all. He should drink some water—he knew that, but the thought of detouring to track down a glass made the dread already filling him swell like a spreading bruise.

He crawled into the unmade bed he’d shared with Tommy the night before. The sheets were fragrant with the scent of detergent, something he hadn’t noticed the night before. He’d been so consumed by Tommy, overwhelmed by his body and his earnest brown eyes.

Fuck.Tommy.

Embarrassment and shame tasted bitter on Chuck’s tongue even as he burrowed down into the bed, pulling the blankets tight around himself until only his face stuck out. He was here with Tommy. He was supposed to be out there supporting him.

Chuck had known, in his gut, that all of this would be too much for Tommy. That the reality of Chuck’s depression would always catch up with him. It would always take the good things away. But he’d been so hopeful, as if maybe the new meds would make everything easier. And they had, for a split second. For a few precious days, he’d felt the way he imagined normal people did—unburdened and free to dive headlong into the giddy happiness that came with falling in love.

Before, his feelings for Tommy had been simply a crush. He could see now that the man he’d once known as his friend was somehow even more capable as a lover. The more time they spent together as romantic partners, the more he watched Tommy bring to the table—more depth, more heart, more moremore.

And Chuck? Chuck had nothing to give but a broken mind and a heart that wanted more than it could ever have. Now that he sawallof Tommy, how was he supposed to hold back? How was he supposed tonotfall for him?

There was nothing he could do about it now, even though his mind demanded he dosomething, anything but lie there in the dim light, hiding from the world on a beautiful summer day.

* * *

Chuck must have fallen asleep, because when he woke up it was with a sticky, dry mouth and a throbbing headache. And after only a second of blinking awake, dread overwhelmed him and he almost choked on the force of it.

He had to dig deep to force his body from the bed. A glance at the clock showed it was almost noon.You slept too long, a voice in his head chided, as he slipped on his board shorts and a t-shirt.

Chuck stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror while he scrubbed his teeth. He couldn’t quite believe the man in the mirror was him. He’d gotten new freckles from the past few days in the sun, and even though he knew, rationally, the face he was looking at was his own, it was like he was a spectator trapped in the body of a stranger.

But all of that had to wait until after he got his ass down the stairs and figured out how in thefuckhe was going to get his shit together long enough to stand by Tommy’s side while he swam his race. He could hold it together for a few hours. Hell, he’d done it before.

He found Tommy outside on the patio, flushed and shiny with sweat from playing sand volleyball. “I crushed it,” he gushed, obviously proud of himself, and Chuck wished he was in a place to echo that, to tell Tommy how proud he was of him.

Chuck gave him a weak smile and leaned into his sweaty body when Tommy wrapped him up in a hug.

“Feeling better?” Tommy asked as he pulled away, looking intently at Chuck.

“All good,” Chuck replied. His voice sounded echo-y in his own head, like the distant shriek of a whistle while underwater. He swallowed, amazed at the effort the single movement took. “Are you ready for your swim?”

Tommy’s lips curved into a soft and sweet smile, and Chuck’s heart broke. Why couldn’t he be the man who Tommy saw when he looked at him? “I’m ready, coach,” Tommy said, his tone teasing. “Ate a banana at breakfast and everything.”

The next minutes passed in a haze. Chuck was vaguely aware of sticking close to Tommy’s side as they filled their plates with the prepared sandwiches laid out on the patio. Someone pressed a cold glass of lemonade into his hand.

He could have sworn people were aware of his silence, that they were watching him and wondering why he was so quiet. Worst of all was the realization that it wasn’t at all about him but about Tommy. They’d be wondering why Tommy had picked someone like him, who was sulking and expressionless and dull.

God, what the fuck had he done?

“So after lunch we’re playing cornhole over by the pool house,” Tommy said, his voice slightly muffled around the bite of the sandwich he hadn’t fully swallowed. Normally Chuck hated that, but there was something endearing about Tommy’s furrowed brows and the way he held a hand up to cover his mouth. “And after that is the swim.”

Chuck wet his bottom lip, tasting lemonade. “Okay,” he managed, hating how flat his voice sounded.

“Want to be on my team?” Tommy asked, and Chuck somehow deflated more, unaware that it was possible to sink even lower than he already had. Tommy looked so hopeful and eager, like all he wanted in the world was for Chuck to stand next to him for a game of bags with his coworkers.

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