Page 93 of Poolside

Jordan looked up, his eyes wide and vulnerable, and it was so easy to imagine how he’d been as a little boy who just wanted to make art and trust that his parents unconditionally loved him. “What’s it like?” he asked, his voice so low it was almost a whisper.

Chuck’s smile split his face in two, and it struck him, in that moment, that in the past, when he’d imagined what it might be like to live out of the closet, he’d always dwelled on the potential downsides. He’d fixated on everything—and everyone—he might lose. Given how his parents had reacted to the news that their son was gay, it made sense to him now.

But the reality of coming out?Fuck, it was good. Chuck had never realized how many pieces of himself he’d kept hidden away, or the way he had been in a constant state of vigilance over his behavior and mannerisms. Now he existed in a state of honesty that still left him a bit breathless.

Even though his depression was still there, hovering just below the surface, strong enough to derail him on the bad days, Chuck knew that he was stronger now. And, for the first time, he was getting a taste of what life was like out of the closet. He had a life and a partner he was proud of.

It was a powerful, beautiful thing.

“The first time I came out, I never considered that it wasn’t a safe thing to do,” Chuck began. Tommy squeezed his thigh, and the touch grounded him. “I thought my parents would always be loving and understanding, but when they weren't…it broke something in me. When the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally prove there are, actually, conditions to their love, then why would I trust anyone else to be different? But, the truth is, my friends are different. They are loving and open-minded, and have shown me time and time again that they care about me. It took me a long time to believe them. It would be easy to look back on the past ten years and say that I wish I’d come out to them sooner. There’s a part of me that will always long for what those years could have been like if I had. But at the same time, if I hadn’t waited, maybe I wouldn’t be where I am right now, sitting next to him.” He cast a quick glance at Tommy, who was watching him with emotion-filled eyes and a soft smile.

A quiet laugh spilled from his lips. “So, to answer your question: what’s it like being out? I love it. Since I came out to the people who matter most to me, not only have I gotten the chance to find a partner, but I’ve gotten better at loving myself. There are still people out there who don’t treat queer people with common decency, but to me, the freedom to live authentically and honestly outweighs every single one of those assholes.”

Jordan blinked, looking like he was at a loss for words.

“I don’t know if my opinion counts,” Tommy added, “since I didn’t live through this when I was younger, and I don’t share the same experience. But I think time goes by really fucking fast when you get out of school. For so long, your years are marked by holidays and summer breaks and basketball seasons, and then, all of a sudden, you’re out in the world with nothing but the calendar to mark the passing days. I spent a lot of years devoted to a marriage that ended, and now, to a job that is asking more of me than I want to give. So, when I realized this part of myself was waking up, I didn’t want to waste any time. It’s taken me a lot of trial and error to figure out who I am, but I plan on working my ass off to be the best partner this guy could ever ask for.”

How many times could he fall for Tommy all over again? How many times would this man surprise him with his earnest words—the words Chuck had always craved?

Chuck grabbed the hand on his thigh, fumbling until his fingers were intertwined with Tommy’s. He gave a gentle squeeze, which Tommy returned.

Jordan’s own eyes took on a glassy sheen as he looked at the two of them. He still seemed like a skittish deer ready to run.

“I’ve never,” Jordan began, pausing to bite his thumbnail. Suddenly realizing what he was doing, he dropped his hand, his cheeks reddening. “I’ve never been with a guy. At all. Does that…can I even call myself gay?”

“No one else gets to tell you who you are,” Chuck said, firmly. “If you define yourself as gay, then you’re gay.”

“Yeah?” Something shifted in Jordan’s eyes.

“Yeah.” It was Tommy who responded. “No one can take that away from you.”

Jordan let out a loud sigh, an overwhelmed expression on his face, like he was struggling to digest everything that had been said.

“So, how’s the team looking for next year?” Tommy steered the conversation back to Southeastern and basketball, and the younger man looked visibly relieved to have shifted topics.

Chuck leaned back, watching Tommy as he laid out his argument for some defensive set Chuck didn’t understand. Even locked into conversation with Jordan, his hand remained tightly wrapped around Chuck’s, a constant reminder that he wasn’t alone.

CHAPTER27

LIKE HOME

TOMMY

“It’s too hot for this.”

“Teaching is turning you into a softy, Darius,” David called from where he was stretching on the baseline of the outdoor basketball court at Corrine Jones Park.

Tommy chuckled. He stood on the sideline with a wide-eyed Jordan, and Monty, one of David’s ex-players who had graduated that spring. He was long and lanky, with ankles so skinny Tommy wasn’t sure how he’d survived a college athletic career without breaking them. His hair was shaved on the sides and a knot of dreadlocks with bleached tips perched on top of his head.

“I still can’t get used to the fucking men’s ball.” Sage chased down her rebound before pulling up from the three-point line and launching a shot with an exaggerated amount of force. When it went in, she threw her hands up and rolled her eyes. “That’s great. Just great.” Putting her hands on her hips, she looked around at their assembled group of six. “Alright, what are the teams?”

After five minutes of bickering, they decided on the old guys vs. the young guys and Sage. Tommy shook out his legs, working through a few last-minute hip-flexor stretches as he lined up to play defense on Monty.

The younger man grinned at him. “I’ve heard all about you, Mr. Littleton.”

Tommy snorted. “Call me Tommy, please.”

Monty shrugged. “Just trying to show some respect to a legend.”

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