Page 62 of Shadow

I could feel Asylum nearby, lurking in the darkness with Shadow. He and I hadn’t gotten close again since the night in their dorm. He’d gone back to being his normal self, and I was giving him the space after he’d gotten a bit too excited.

I also hadn’t told the guys what I’d done with Shadow and Asylum, but I knew it was fine since I was given permission. It still didn’t feel right, so maybe that was another reason why I hadn’t pushed to pursue more. I enjoyed just hanging out with him, which was rare. Church made it that way on purpose, but I understood. Again, I didn’t want to push it.

I hid in a small grove of trees outside Sin’s bedroom and waited. It was cold, but I had on my jacket. I’d endure if it meant I got to see him. Even at night, he locked his bedroom door. He even avoided Cady. And she avoided him.

He came into view on the road a few moments later. The moment he reached his window, I stepped out and blocked him. He blinked down at me in surprise, his breath puffing out in a white cloud.

“Sirena? What are you doing out here? It’s after midnight.”

I said nothing as I stared up at him.

He sighed and looked past me to his window. “Let’s go inside.”

He nodded for me to follow him to the front door, but I stood my ground as he took a few steps away from me. He stopped and turned back.

“Come on,” he pleaded softly. “Church will kill us both if you’re out here in the cold.”

When I didn’t move, he returned to me, a pained expression on his face.

“Babe—Sirena. Come inside. Please.”

I shook my head at him and looked to the window.

He scrubbed his hand down his face and sighed before nodding. He went to the window and slid it open before putting his hands on my waist and lifting me easily into it. I crawled through and back away, waiting for him. A moment later, he came in, closing the window behind him.

I took off my jacket and sat on his bed. He glanced at me and cleared his throat as he tossed his hat and jacket aside.

I watched him pace for a moment, wishing I could just get myself together enough to have a goddamn conversation. I hated how my voice ebbed and flowed at its own will. It was really giving me issues.

I rooted around in the pocket on my jacket and pulled out the small notepad and pen I’d grabbed and scribbled on it before handing it to him.

Talk to me. Please.

He paused for a moment before looking at me. I expected him to take the pen and write back, but instead, he spoke.

“We do need to talk,” he said softly.

I swallowed hard and slid over so he could sit beside me.

“The guys told me you forgave Cady,” he started softly. “Or said she didn’t do anything wrong. And you’re right. She didn’t. It was me. I-I forced her.”

I noticed some cuts and bruises on his hands and arms. It made the nausea and fear grow. He’d beaten himself every day when he was exiled as a means to punish. I was terrified he was doing it again.

I scribbled on the pad again.

To save me.

“Yeah, to save you,” he said thickly. “I was so drugged, Sirena. I should have been able to beat Adam’s ass, but I could barely see straight. I-I couldn’t even get my fucking dick up.”

I winced at his words as he shook his head.

“I’m struggling, OK? I am. I’m not the guy who cheats on his girl, and I know you don’t think that,” he rushed on as I began to scribble again. “But listen. It was an ugly fucking situation. It’s haunting me. It’s fucking eating me alive inside to know I’ve fucked your sister. God, it’s disgusting. I fucking came inside her,” he snarled, tugging at his hair.

I winced at his words, my stomach twisting.

“Sirena, I-I can’t, OK? I can’t even look at you after it. I did it to save you, and I guess in some fucked up way it worked, but I lost myself. The truth is, I love you so much it’s blinding me. I’ve never felt this way about anyone in my life. It’s all-consuming.” He blew out a breath. “But I can’t fucking look at you after what I did. I-I hate myself for-for getting off. For it feeling good. Fuck, I disgust myself even talking about it. My head was so fucked. I don’t even know if those emotions were mine or the drugs.” He shook his head and wiped his eyes. “I just… I can’t with you, OK? It’s fucking killing me inside too. God, it’s killing me.”

I reached for his hand, but he jerked away from me.

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