Page 54 of Cross Check Hearts

It’s nearly impossible to focus on anything other than him and all the thoughts racing through my head right now. I can’t tell if he’s intentionally trying to get me going or not, but either way, his low, rumbling comments aren’t helping.

I feel so torn, like the two sides of myself are literally pulling me apart at the seams. The wilder part of me, the part that gets drunk and sings her heart out in the backseat of an Uber, wants nothing more than to throw caution to the wind and say fuck it. I only get to live once, and just like Declan said, I don’t have to keep living it in a way that makes my parents happy just because my brother died. That’s not fair to me at all, and I’m sure it’s not what Casey would want for me either.

But the other part of me, the more rational and careful side, cringes just thinking about living like that—because it could cost me everything I have now. I’ve worked so hard to get to where I’m at in life right now, and while I might not love law school or living my life under the watchful gaze of my parents, I can’t shake the feeling I owe them that.

I’m sure they’ll love me no matter what I do, but I don’t think I could live with myself if I disappointed them. And there’s no way in hell my dad in particular would take the news of me messing around with one of his players as anything but a massive disappointment.

But I also can’t shake these intense and growing feelings I’m having toward Declan, so what am I supposed to do? Even if I told him I wanted to call everything off, I’d still have to keep seeing him for these lessons for as long as my father thinks Declan needs them, so nothing would change. And I know better than to think that these feelings would magically disappear, even if I did stop seeing Declan. Hell, I didn’t see him for six months, but I thought about him every single day until he dropped back into my life like he belonged there.

“Everything okay?” Declan asks as I guide him down into cobra pose.

“Yeah, why?”

“You got quiet again.”

I glance over at him and try to keep the smile off my face, but I can still see a hint of it in my reflection. “It’s yoga. We’re supposed to be quiet.”

“No wonder it’s hard for me,” he says, and I can’t help but laugh at that.

“You’re doing great,” I tell him, although I can’t say the same for myself.

My hands are trembling as I try to hold myself up, which never happens. I’ve done this pose thousands of times by now, but I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with the pose and everything to do with the gorgeous man next to me whose eyes haven’t left mine. We transition into child’s pose from there and hold it for a few minutes before repeating the entire routine from top to bottom and coming back into child’s pose.

“I was right. That was one hell of a workout,” Declan says with a huffed laugh, his voice slightly muffled thanks to how close his mouth is to the floor. I don’t say anything, I just try to stay focused on my breath—mostly because I’m a little afraid of what might come out of my mouth if I open it. But Declan is watching me, waiting for the next instruction, so I take one last deep breath and let it out slowly.

“That’s it for today,” I tell him, and he looks almost disappointed as he pushes himself up to his knees.

I stand up and head to the back wall to grab a towel and the sanitizer spray bottle. I kneel down to wipe my mat thoroughly before rolling it up and tucking it onto the storage shelf. Then I hurry to where my bag is lying beside his. I move to lift his bag out of the way, but I’m still so flustered that my hands are shaking a bit, and I accidentally drop one of the straps of his bag. A few things fall out of it, and I grimace.

“Shit, sorry!” I quickly pick up the things that fell and shove them back into his bag as Declan walks over, sliding his freshly cleaned mat onto the shelf beside mine.

“No worries.” He gives an easy shake of his head.

I hand him his bag, and we stand staring at each other for a suspended moment. The smoldering look in his eyes starts my heart pounding so hard again that I swear I’m going to pass out on the spot. Then he leans in, and before I register what’s happening, he plants a kiss on my cheek, and I feel my entire body freeze.

“Thanks for the lesson,” he adds as he pulls back from me.

I can’t find words, not even a simpleyou’re welcome.

All I can focus on is the burning brand his lips left on my cheek. Declan smiles at me again and gives a little nod, then slings his bag over one shoulder and heads for the door. But he pauses when he’s halfway outside to look back at me.

“See you again next week?”

“Yeah.” My voice comes out as a breathless whisper.

“Can’t wait.”

With that, he steps outside. As soon as the door closes behind him, air rushes back into my lungs like I’ve been in some sort of vacuum. I can’t remember the last time someone made me feel so heart-racingly off-kilter as he does, and I can’t help wondering if I’d still be feeling this way even if he hadn’t walked in on me touching myself to the thought of him—although that definitely didn’t help.

I watch him move across the parking lot to his bike where he lifts the seat to drop his bag into a storage compartment, then swings one leg over it. The powerful machine roars to life, and I know I shouldn’t be gawking at him like this where he’s bound to see it, but I can’t take my eyes off him until he disappears from the parking lot and roars out of view down the street.

Even after he’s gone, I stand rooted to the spot as every word he said to me echoes in my mind. I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone see me the way Declan does—mostly because I won’t let them, even when sometimes I want to—and I don’t know exactly what it is about him, but there’s something so disarming about him. Something I can’t even explain or make sense of myself that makes me feel like he’s safe, like I can trust him with parts of myself I’d keep away from others.

I believe what he said about wanting more than just sex with me, but I can’t make up my mind how I feel about that.

On the one hand, it was a relief to hear, but on the other, it was terrifying in the best possible way. Things might be changing between Declan and me, but that doesn’t mean anything has changed about our circumstances. And that’s dangerous, because it’s getting harder and harder for me to resist him or to keep him at a safe distance—and I don’t think he’s going to stop trying.

Which means it’s only a matter of time before one or both of us gets caught.

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