Page 52 of A Good Book

I thought about Ben telling me he’d had sex over thirty times. Then I thought about my sisters talking about it like a drug they couldn’t quit.

“But you said the first time is the worst.”

She collapsed into her chair again. “Well, yes. It’s not great. Definitely try to orgasm before he penetrates you. It’s still going to hurt, but each time it gets better until you crave it, and it’s all you can think about.”

That was a lot to consider on top of my guilt and the ache in my chest from Ben.

CHAPTERSIXTEEN

GUNS N’ ROSES, “PATIENCE”

Ben

It feltlike someone had the TV set to the lowest volume. I could hear sound, but I couldn’t make out what was being said. And when someone yelled at me, I could sometimes decipher a word or two beyond the ringing, but that was it. And even then, it felt like a guess.

After I was discharged from the hospital, my parents drove me in a rental car to my dorm. Their mouths moved, and I heard faint muffled sounds, but I couldn’t make out a single word. Mom would occasionally glance back at me and smile.

“Turn on the radio,” I said.

Dad eyed me in the rearview mirror as Mom leaned forward and turned on the radio.

“Turn it up.”

She looked back at me as she turned the volume knob. Their faces tightened, and I could tell they thought it was loud.

The rhythmic beat and vibration of the back speakers felt good, and I wanted to hold on to that feeling like an anchor because my world was drifting into the unknown. Then mom shook her head and twisted the knob. The vibration and the beat disappeared.

“Turn it back on.”

She said something.

I narrowed my eyes. She grabbed the pad of paper and wrote on it.

It is on and it’s loud. If I turn it any louder it will hurt our ears.

I stared at the paper, then leaned my head back and closed my eyes.

When we got to the dorms, I led them to the stairs, but Mom nodded toward the elevator.

I shook my head and took the stairs, but I only made it up one flight before I felt dizzy and on the verge of collapsing, so I sat down.

Dad helped me up and through the door to the elevators on the second floor. Just as the door dinged, mom touched my arm and pointed to my left at Gabby coming out of her dorm room with her backpack on over her red wool jacket.

She stared at me for a few seconds, redness filling her eyes. Then her ChapStick glossed lips pulled into a tiny grin as she walked toward me, lifting onto her toes to hug me. She smelled like flowers and vanilla. No sooner did her arms wrap around me, she let go and mouthed something to my parents.

Did they tell her I was weak?

My dad held open the doors to the elevator as Gabby and my mom had an exchange. Then Gabby waved at me before heading to the stairs.

“Where are you going?” I called, feeling desperate. We were there to pack up my things and drive back to Missouri. Was that our goodbye?

Mom pressed a finger to her lips. I was tired of people either holding their hands at their ears because I wasn’t talking loud enough or shushing me for being too loud.

Gabby’s gaze flitted between the three of us, but my parents pulled me into the elevator.

“Gabby!” I called.

Mom rubbed my arm.

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