Page 149 of The Apple Tree

Since there was no quick escape for my emotions, I used the ride home as an opportunity to cross an apology off my list.

But the wrong thing came out when I opened my mouth to speak. “I’m sorry if I’m the reason you didn’t want that fourth child.”

Thatfourth child left no room for anything but the truth.

Dad slowed the car and pulled off at the first available exit. When the car was inPark, he reached over and squeezed my mom’s hand.

She cleared her throat. “How do you know about that?”

“Erin’s mom dropped me off early, and I overhead Dad losing his mind over the bottle of pills you swallowed. I heard that discussion, and I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.”

“Eve …” Mom started.

“For the record, I’m not fishing for an apology. My therapist explained something called postpartum depression to me. If you had that, I understand why you didn’t want to have another baby. I’m just saying thatifit was me specifically, I’m sorry. I wish I would have known better. And maybe I wish I would have told you I knew about the pills. Maybe I wouldn’t have taken that first drink. As frustrating as some of the things you’ve done or said to me have been—the rules I disagree with and the lack of power I feel over making decisions for my own body—the mistakes are mine and mine alone. I made poor choices when I knew better. I made the mess that forced you to send me away for a month of rehab. I accept the blame and responsibility, and I hope you can forgive me in time. But I’m not saying all of this for your forgiveness. I’m saying it for my journey that I hope involves wiser decisions.”

My dad stared at me without blinking, and my mom slowly turned to face me. They were speechless, and just as well because I needed to get out my apologies, but I wasn’t in the mood to discuss anything. And I was done crying.

No more tears.

I’d given all of them to Kyle.

With nothing more than a sincere, whispered thank-you from them, my dad pulled back onto the main road and drove us the rest of the way home. When we arrived, he carried my bag inside, but my mom reached for my hand to keep me on the front porch.

I lifted my shoulders toward my ears because the wind was strong, and the cold nipped at my skin.

“Eve”—she shook her head—“I’m beside myself. I wish I would have known that you knew.”

“Knowing wouldn’t have changed the fact that you wanted to …”

Gah!

I didn’t want to cry, but it was hard to say the words to her. It made them feel more real.

I cleared my throat and swallowed. “Feeling like you’re one bad situation away from ending your life is unbearable.” I shook my head.

Mom wiped her eyes.

“It’s one thing to feel the privilege of contributing to a person’s happiness, but it’s torture to feel like my actions could lead to you taking your life. Don’t you get that?”

She continued wiping her tears while nodding. “I’msosorry. And I do understand this. Grandma and I talked. I’m okay.” She squeezed my hand. “You don’t have to walk around on eggshells. I can handle whatever happens. I promise.”

I returned a slight nod, and she hugged me.

“Eve, all this time … I can’t believe you’ve lived with this secret, feeling like it was your fault. I will never be able to make this up to you. I’m so,sovery sorry, my sweet girl.”

I hugged her until I could speak past my emotions. “It’s cold. Can we go inside?” I asked.

She laughed. “Of course. Let’s make hot chocolate.”

After a shower towash the rehab clinic from my skin, I dried my hair and joined Mom in the kitchen. “Where’s Dad?” I asked.

“He had some things to do at the church.” She set a mug of hot chocolate in front of me when I sat at the table. “We’re having a family dinner tonight. Gabby knows you’re coming home, so she’ll be here. And your dad is picking Grandma up on his way home.”

I nodded, blowing at the steam as she sat across from me and held her mug cupped in her hands.

“Eve, I need to know if Kyle did anything to you that wasn’t consensual.”

My gaze snapped up to hers. “What? No!” I shook my head a half dozen times.

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