Page 53 of Designation: Null

Apparently, this is Logan’s only toy box. But this is everything a very serious masochist would have. All pain and punishment. There is nothing in Logan’s toy box that indicates someone is having a good time. No gland massagers, no vibrators, no lube. And not a single dildo or plug.

There is a cock cage but it’s in the package.

Logan’s toys terrify him.

Two more sets of vampire gloves, which make him cringe. There’s also his horrendous flogger that’s meant to cause damage, the roughest rope, clamps of all kinds, a few different cock rings, and some sounds.

If this is what Logan likes, why does talking about punishment make him hunch in on himself? Why does Logan get sweet and docile from affection? None of that makes sense if what he really wants is pain.

“He’s just fucked up,” Robert says to no one but himself, and puts the box back in the closet. He picks up the lid. There’s a piece of paper in there. No, it’s the back of a paperback with a drawing… the drawing is of Robert. It’s from the first time they met. The drawing is very good.

Although, to be fair, Robert looks like shit. He felt like shit, so that makes sense.

Logan drew his picture.

And has it in his torture box.

If Robert was the torturing sort, this would likely be pretty good news. However, he’snotthe torturing sort. He has no idea what sort of common ground they might find if this is really what Logan needs.

A submissive should instinctively know what they need. They have fantasies and are driven to experiment and explore. They seek out information or instructional videos of the types of play they require to keep themselves stable and content.

Maybe if Robert had found a few things in the box that implied gentleness—silk ties or underwear, gentler clamps, vibrators or gland massagers meant to bring pleasure, then he might be able to convince himself they could find a way to make it work.

But this box eliminates that possibility. If it didn’t belong to Logan, but just a random submissive, he wouldn’t think twice about them as a potential partner. He would dismiss them automatically because they are incompatible on a fundamental level.

And this is fucking depressing.

He goes back to the bedroom and stares down at Logan. His bed isn’t big enough for the two of them. The moment he sits down to take off his shoes, Logan turns over and reaches for him, even as he sleeps. He leaves his shoes there and takes off his socks and pants, as well as his shirt. They all have blood on them and he won’t take that into a place that is meant to be a place of rest, even if Logan already has.

Robert lifts up Logan’s arm so he can lie down and Logan moves closer. He takes him in his arms and Logan sighs contentedly.

Logan is a furnace. He smells like sweat and blood, like miserable submissive, and Robert is so fucking pissed off at Logan (or himself) that he has to get out of bed.

It’s hard to remind himself that this is normal. That this is a thing submissives do. A lot of submissives like pain. A lot of them are masochists and proud of it.

But Robert isn’t used to this. He wouldn’t say his life has been easy, because once you’ve had cancer and been tortured and seen your team slaughtered at your feet, it’s pretty difficult to say it with any conviction, but when it comes to designation, Robert has always been lucky.

Submissives meet him and trust him. Dominants meet him and they either leave him alone or there’s some kind of pissing contest and things get worked out, and since he’s usually pretty high up the scales, Dominants respond well to him once they realize he isn’t an asshole.

He’d been popular before he became a Dominant. He’d done boxing and cross country; he went to church with his family and was pretty happy to just be helpful and a good man.

Not a lot had changed for him after his designation. He didn’t want to boss people around or get into fights. He didn’t want to hurt people. He’d just… drifted along, wielding his dominance like some benevolent gift to the masses.

Robert isn’t sure what Logan needs, but if this is it, he’s pretty sure he can’t provide it. Can he? Could he do this? Find a way to endure this or train himself to like it so he can be what Logan needs? He tries to imagine whipping Logan or using the flogger.

He can’t.

Robert gets dressed and starts cleaning because he isn’t sleeping. He hates the way it smells of blood. He can’t fucking stand it. He cleans the bathroom and puts the flogger and the vampire gloves and the metal clips and all of those weird medieval torture implements on a towel.

He can’t bring himself to touch them. He puts another towel on top of them so he can avoid seeing them.

Robert cleans up Logan’s floor of the worst of the blood and then goes to the living room to sweep up the weird rice and button situation, which he’s actually a little scared to ask about because he’s got a few guesses as to what was going on there and it’s revolting.

16

He calls Jim at 2 a.m.

“Robert? Is everything okay?”

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