Page 21 of Designation: Null

Robert’s mother is in the kitchen but she bustles out and chats for a minute and then she leaves, taking Robert’s brother with her to help set the table.

Robert doesn’t leave his side. Logan gets to sit next to him at dinner, too. The food is good and Robert laughs a lot, and though they ask Logan questions about himself and his family, they don’t badger him and his vague answers hold.

Maybe Robert told them to go easy on him. It isn’t until dessert that Logan gets some inkling of how difficult this evening has actually been for Robert. He’s just so good at pretending.

“And what are you going to do about your job, Robert?” his mother asks. Robert’s sister murmurs an “Uh-oh, here we go” under her breath.

“I don’t know yet.”

“I just want to know you’ll be safe. You’ve givenenough,” she says, with the slightest waver in her voice.

Logan puts his hand on Robert’s thigh for support, not really thinking about it, but then Robert puts his hand over Logan’s, thumb rubbing absently over the back of Logan’s skin, and Logan drifts out of the conversation completely. He’s too sensitive to Robert’s touch.

Logan thought he was touching Robert to make Robert feel better, but maybe he’s doing it for himself, he thinks fuzzily. The stroking continues. It’s so nice. Is it nice for Robert? Logan struggles to make sense of the conversation. Robert’s words are clear, but his family is distant, a little dim, as if they’ve receded into the background.

“I don’t have to decide yet. In three months I might be happy to go back out into the field but right now I don’t want to, and after the kidnapping, I think that’s a request I can make.”

“You should get out,” she says firmly. “You’ve given enough.”

“Well, technically I have two more years on my contract,” Robert responds. “And I’m fine.” It sounds utterly convincing. The smile on his face is easy, but he’s gripping Logan tightly.

Robert doesn’t let go of Logan’s hand until it’s time to get up from the table. He looks down before letting go, confused, as if he wasn’t even aware he was holding on to Logan. “Thank you. Sorry about that.”

“It’s fine,” Logan says placidly.

Which is also not true, because it’s not fine. The truth is, it’s the most submissive thing he’s ever done. It was instinct and desire to comfort his Dominant.

Well,aDominant, he reminds himself sharply. Robert is not his.

And when Robert took his hand and kept hold of it, let Logan feel the stress he was under, share the strain, the two of them united so Robert could get through this emotionally difficult moment, it had felt… Well, that’s what happiness feels like, isn’t it?

This is why people give in to their designations. This is what his brother was always chasing. Moments where he’d be useful, perfect in his purpose to please a Dominant.

This is why Daniel once said that every encounter had something good. Some little moment of warm joy, like a hot cup of tea in cold hands, a primal relief that felt better than it should. Submissives make very bad decisions to feel like this. Daniel always did. Logan hates that he gets it now.

They eat pie and ice cream, and as they leave everyone hugs Logan as well as Robert, as if he belongs in that tiny happy group of people. As if he’d be welcome.

Another perfect fantasy.

Neither of them says a word for several seconds as they walk down the sidewalk back toward the subway.

“Thank you for going with me,” Robert finally says, glancing at him. He adjusts his scarf, breath fogging in front of him.

“Thank you for inviting me. You have a lovely family.”

“Well, you’re welcome back anytime. I try to go every other Sunday, but it’s harder now. That was… fuck, that was exhausting. I’m going to sleep like the dead tonight. Hopefully,” he amends, sounding uncertain. Is Robert not sleeping well?

“Do you… want a hug?” Logan asks, because that’s what Robert asked him once before, and the desire to be useful and pleasing is still alive under his skin. It’s a little something he could offer, and maybe Robert would like that from him? Robert moves into him, putting his arms around Logan and hauling him close.

“Do I want a hug? Does a monkey want a banana? Jesus. Thank you. Is this too tight?”

“No,” he whispers, clutching tighter. It’s perfect. It’s like champagne bubbles are bursting through his veins and fizzling up his spine. He could float away. Except he won’t, because Robert has him securely in his arms—

“Wow. You’re like the ultimate hugger,” Robert murmurs, almost laughing. It’s a near tangible release of pressure, some force that rolls out of Robert and over Logan, a wave of dominance as his arms adjust to hug Logan closer, longer.

Logan slumps into him. He’s stunned. Speechless.

And… waiting. Is that it? Just waiting for whatever is next. Anything. This Dominant can do anything he wants to him and Logan will find joy in it. It’s a terrifying realization.

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