Page 48 of A Secret Escape

And at least now no one could accuse her of being rude.

He was probably the type who thought every woman of a certain age was on the lookout for love, and in her case nothing could be further from the truth. It was a casual assumption so often made by society, that you needed to be with someone in order to be happy (in much the same way as people assumed that everyone of childbearing age would be having children if they could). She’d experienced it after Milly’s father had walked out.Within months of him leaving, people had tried to match her with single men, until she’d announced that she was happier by herself. And it was true. It wasn’t an excuse or a way of fending people off.

What most people didn’t understand was that she wasn’t looking for love. She didn’t want, or need, to be in love because she was entirely content with her life just the way it was, and she had no wish to risk destabilizing what she’d built with such care.

Brian, whatever might be going on in his head, had nothing to fear from her.

They set off along the trail and straight onto the fells, winding their way upward along a track with views across the lake. The mountains rose, the lower slopes overgrown with ferns, the upper ones rocky as the terrain grew steeper.

Connie felt herself relax. People said you got used to a place if you lived there, that you no longer appreciated the charms that drew people from around the world, but that wasn’t true for her. She loved this place. She loved the vast skies, the shimmering lakes and the craggy horizons, and there was no better place to appreciate the scenery than from the back of a horse.

They rode in silence, and after a while Janice, who was in the lead, turned in her saddle. “Ready to canter?”

They took off along the track, and Connie forgot that she was still aching from the day before, and she forgot that she was annoyed to be sharing the ride with one other person.

Her only focus was the rhythmic thud of hooves and the sheer exhilaration of being on a horse while enjoying exquisite views. Far beneath her the lake sparkled in the sunshine, stretching along the valley floor like a silver ribbon. A smile spread across her face.

She experienced the same sense of elation and happiness that she’d felt the day before. Here, on Harley’s back, there was no past or future. There was only this moment.

Eventually they slowed to a walk, and Connie reached forward and patted him gently, watching as his ears moved in response to her soft words of praise and appreciation.

They reached a viewpoint on the trail and stopped to take in the vista and give the horses a brief rest.

Janice was responding to a message on her phone, and Connie felt the usual powerful urge to check hers in case her mother, Milly or Zoe needed her. But she resisted. They were all more than capable of managing by themselves for a few hours.

Instead she stared across the lake, surprised to discover that she hadn’t given them a thought when she’d been cantering along the trail. It was only now, when she was still again, that her thoughts settled back on her family and her anxieties. Her mind was a boomerang, programmed to return to family.

Why did she find it so hard to switch off? Why did she feel guilty when she took a little time for herself? They reallyweremore than capable of managing by themselves, so why did she worry so much?

It was love, of course, but she sensed that it was more than that. Habit? She’d handled everything alone for so long it was hard to give herself permission to loosen her grip.

Did she need them to need her? Was that it?

Who was she when she wasn’t being a mother, a grandmother or a daughter?

Who was Connie?

Unsettled by the question, she glanced at Brian and saw that he was also gazing across the lake, a distant look in his eyes. She had no idea if he was contemplating the meaning of life or thinking about what he’d eaten for breakfast.

Some instinct made her want to ask if he was okay, but she suppressed it.

He’d made it more than clear that he didn’t want to chat, and she understood that.

And she was grateful for it, because she wasn’t looking for a heart-to-heart or a confession session on all the challenges they were handling in life (because did anyone get to their age without navigating something big?). Sometimes it was good to talk, but other times it was good to try and forget. To enjoy the moment.To step outside the worry or the sadness or whatever weight life was pressing onto you and throw it all off for a brief time.

But still she wondered, and when Janice asked if the two of them would like to do a full-day ride the following week, Connie found herself saying yes. And so did Brian.

Silence didn’t seem to matter when you were on a horse, particularly as they mostly rode nose to tail, which rather limited opportunities for conversation.

She could have spent the whole day riding.

It was like pressing Pause on her life, and she was surprised by how good that made her feel.

Chapter12Milly

Milly knew there was no way she’d get any more work done after that conversation. It felt as if someone had thrown her emotions in a blender.

While she was stewing and trying to handle all the change in her life, none of which had been of her choosing, Richard was living his best life.

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