Page 83 of A Secret Escape

She thought back to the night before, her evening with Brendan. She’d been so hopeful. She’d felt calm and happy, as if she’d taken a real step forward. And now she was being dragged back.

“I don’t know what I would have done.” Nicole was crying now. “It was a horrible position to be in. I didn’t want this to happen to you, and I didn’t want to be part of it. I didn’t know what to do or say.”

She hadn’t imagined, even for a moment, that Nicole had known about the affair, but it explained so much.

“This is why you ghosted me, isn’t it?” She turned to face her friend. “At the time I didn’t understand—I’ve never understood. I couldn’t work out why you would do such an awful thing to me, but this is why.”

Nicole’s eyes filled, and Milly felt as if her heart was being crushed.

“You felt guilty that you’d made him choose, and he chose Avery. You felt too guilty to tell me. Too guilty to talk to me even though I needed your support more than at any other point in my life. You basically abandoned me.”

And that had been the worst thing.

She remembered how lonely she’d felt. How desperate. And how losing her best friend at the same time as losing her husband had been the most bitter blow. Their friendship would have given her strength, and the absence of it had weakened her at a time when she was at her most vulnerable.

Every problem she’d had in life, she’d navigated it with Nicole by her side. But not this time.

“I felt terrible,” Nicole whispered. “And every message and email you sent telling me how devastated you were made me feel worse because I was the cause. You sounded broken. Raw. I was worried that if I confessed my part in it, you’d never forgive me.”

She regretted those emails now. The honesty of them. She’d written them to her closest friend, never suspecting that her friend already knew what was happening or that she wouldn’t reply.

She’d bared her soul. Held nothing back. And all she’d had in return was silence.

And that hurt more than anything.

“It was cruel to ignore me.”

“I didn’t intend to ignore you.” Agony was visible in Nicole’s eyes. “I didn’t know what to do! I didn’t know how to tell you in a way that wouldn’t destroy our friendship. And I did try. I sat there for hours, literally staring at the screen. I typed a million emails to you and then deleted them.”

“You ignored my phone calls.”

“What was I going to say?Hey, I told him to choose, and he chose the other woman?” Nicole took a deep breath. “I wanted to answer your calls, but I thought if I told you the truth I’d make it worse. It would be like punching you when you were already on the floor. I’d been a terrible friend. And the more time that passed, the harder it became to know what to say because then I’d also have to explain why it had taken me so long. I told myself I’d think about it a little longer and then do it. And I keep putting it off and putting it off, another hour, another day, and then you stopped emailing, and it was too late. I’m sorry. I really am sorry. I never should have given him that ultimatum. It’s all my fault. I don’t blame you for being upset.”

How could Nicole not understand? After all their years of friendship, and the fact that she knew Milly better than anyone, she still didn’t understand?

“I don’t blame you for that,” Milly said. “I can see how awkward and difficult that situation was. I have no idea what I would have done if I’d been in your position, but I do know I wouldn’t have ignored you. You knew how upset I was, how devastating the whole thing was to me, and you weren’t there for me. You were my best friend, and you weren’t there for me.” Emotion rose and broke, cracking her voice. “Not an email. Not a phone call. Not a single kind or supportive word.”

That was the thing she found hardest to deal with.

Nicole wiped the tears from her cheeks with her fingers. “I thought you’d blame me—”

“Of course I wouldn’t have blamed you. Would I have been upset? Yes, of course, but not with you. That wasn’t your fault.He didn’t leave me because you made him choose, he left because that was what he wanted to do.”

“But just now he said—”

“I heard what he said, and I have no idea why he said it—perhaps he was trying to transfer blame, I don’t know—but you weren’t the reason he had an affair, and you weren’t the reason he left me. He’s an adult, and the responsibility for both those actions belong with him. But ignoring me—” Milly almost choked on the emotion wedged in her throat, emotion that she didn’t want to be feeling “—thatwas your fault. Your choice. You were my best and dearest friend, and you weren’t there for me when I needed you. And I get that you felt awkward and guilty and embarrassed, but I was desperate! I opened myself up to you, and still you didn’t respond. I emailed you when I was hyperventilating at three in the morning, terrified and alone, and you didn’t respond to that either. I had never needed you more, and you weren’t there for me.”

Nicole stared at her, her breathing shallow. “Milly—”

“All our lives our friendship has been the one unshakable, dependable thing. And it’s not as if it’s something you think about every day or anything, but it was always there, and that was the luxury of it. Our friendship was a lifeboat in rough seas, a warm blanket in cold weather. Knowing you would always be there for me made me feel secure and safe, and I think it was the same for you. And when I realized that you weren’t there for me—” she swallowed “—you knew everything about me, so you must have known how ghosting would hurt me, and yet you still did it. And losing you was as bad as losing Richard.” Milly saw the devastation on Nicole’s face and felt herself start to unravel. She needed to end the conversation. She needed space to process what had happened. There was no point in going round and round with both of them too upset to resolve anything. “I have to—I can’t do this. I can’t stay here.”

“What do you mean?” There was a note of panic in Nicole’s voice. “You’re leaving? Where are you going?”

Good question. And there was only one answer. One place. The place she always went when she was hurt or upset.

Family.

“I’m taking Zoe, and we’re going to stay with my mother tonight.”

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