Page 69 of A Secret Escape

And having helped Milly get ready, she felt as if she was part of it. She was invested. She wanted it to go well. She felt nervous thinking about it and hoped Brendan was as nice as she remembered and didn’t do anything to make Milly back off.

It had felt good sorting through clothes and searching for things to wear. Like old times.

Not knowing what to do with herself now she was alone, she went back to Milly’s bedroom, tidied all the clothes away and then wandered into the kitchen and made herself a cup of herbal tea.

Despite the breeze it was a warm evening, so she took her tea onto the balcony and settled herself on the porch swing overlooking the water.

A family of ducks bobbed into the reeds close to the water’s edge, and she watched as they dipped under the water and emerged with a shake of feathers.

She felt comfortable and relaxed, which was surprising. What was also surprising was how quickly the place had started to feel like home.

When she’d arrived at the railway station in the middle of the night, it had been because she’d seen no other option for herself. She’d expected Milly to refuse to help (and she wouldn’t have blamed her), and even when it had become clear that Milly did intend to help, she’d been convinced that their friendship would never return to the way it had once been. But now here they were giggling like children and arguing over which shoes Milly should wear.

Nicole took a sip of tea, feeling relief and gratitude, ignoring the ever-present niggle of guilt. A few weeks ago she hadn’t been able to even imagine what her future might look like, but now she’d been given a glimpse of what might be possible.

It wasn’t only Milly’s friendship that had changed things, it was the fact that she had remained anonymous here. Every morning she woke and expected to find a horde of photographers camped in the bushes,but so far all she saw when she peeped cautiously out the window were birds and red squirrels.

She’d started the morning runs as a way of helping Milly, but now they were the best part of her day.

But deep down she couldn’t forget the fact that she had decisions to make, big decisions, and for the first time in her life she had someone else to consider.

She rested her hand on her abdomen and thought about the baby. She felt ridiculously protective.

Yes, she was scared—terrifiedmight be a better word—but she was also excited. Her panicked thoughts about how she’d cope, and what sort of mother she’d be, were interspersed with tantalizing images of a different life. Family life. She’d never really had that and had never been able to picture it for herself, but she could picture it now. She would have it now. And she was determined to give her baby all the things she hadn’t had. She imagined being there when her child took their first steps, getting up in the night to soothe them after a bad dream, reading together, playing. She imagined being there for every parent–teacher meeting, for every school performance, however small. She was going to do everything differently from her own mother. She was going to create a stable and loving home for her child.

But she was all too conscious that those ambitions didn’t fit well with her present life.

She couldn’t be present for a child while she was taking one project after another. When work sucked up all of her time. Equally importantly, she didn’t want to expose her child to the circus that was her life.

Something had to change, and she was still figuring that part out.

Milly had been encouraging her to make an appointment with the local doctor, but Nicole had been putting it off. She’d told herself that it was still early days, that there would be plenty of time for that when she’d decided what she was going to do next and where she was going to live. The way she felt at the moment, she would happily have stayed here forever and not moved anywhere.

Despite the obvious challenges (almost all of them related to Richard!), Milly’s life seemed idyllic to her. Could she have something similar?

Was that even possible?

She stared across the water, watching as the ducks emerged from the reeds and swam along the edge of the lake, staying close together.

It hadn’t occurred to her at any point that she might one day be thinking of giving up what she’d spent her entire life striving to attain.

But that was what she was thinking now.

She wanted a simple, low-key life where she could enjoy the things other people enjoyed. She imagined bringing the baby over and going for a walk with Milly. Sitting at the kitchen table with Connie and Nanna Peg, talking about sleep patterns and teething and weaning.

She imagined signing the baby up for the local play group and music group and meeting new people. Normal, everyday people who didn’t spend hours in hair and makeup every day before emerging to play a person that wasn’t them.

Was that sort of life even possible for someone like her?

And would she miss her old life?

She definitely wouldn’t miss the movie industry. People only saw the glamour, but there was another side. A darker side. She wouldn’t miss the politics, the pressure, the endless publicity machine, the people who lied and took advantage. People who used her. But the acting? She’d miss that. She still loved acting.

She needed to find a way to indulge her creative self, while avoiding all the ruthless, cutthroat parts of the business. She didn’t need accolades or red carpets. Talking to Zoe had made her wonder if she should teach acting. Get involved with local groups. Children would be more fun than adults. Was that even a possibility?

Maybe, but first she needed to expand the life she was living. Push her boundaries. It wasn’t enough just to run in the early mornings. She needed to get out during the day and start to live life instead of avoiding it. She needed to take baby steps into a new future.

On impulse she reached for her phone and sent a message to Joel.

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