Page 53 of A Secret Escape

Milly grabbed the olive oil and a bottle of vinegar. “It’s not true, Nicole, and you know it.”

“Do I? My schedule has been manic. I’ve taken one job after another.”

“That doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you a successful working woman, and working women have babies all the time. He clearly doesn’t understand how capable you are.” She mixed a dressing in a jar and shook it vigorously.

It should be possible to ignore the things people said, shouldn’t it? But she knew from her own experience that wasn’t always possible,and it was clear that for Nicole, Justin’s words had sunk into her like a splinter.

“What if he is right?” Nicole was desperate for reassurance. “What if I do it all wrong? Make mistakes?”

Milly put the jar down. There was plenty she could have said, but Nicole didn’t need platitudes, she needed honesty, and she needed to believe in herself.

“You probably will make mistakes. Everyone does. When it comes to parenthood, we’re all making it up as we go along. But history does not have to repeat itself. You can choose what type of mother you want to be.”

She’d never even thought about it before, but as she did now she could see that in many ways she’d done all the things her own mother had done. Maintained many of the same traditions. Followed her example of offering unconditional love, free of judgment.

And she acknowledged now that her mother’s belief in her had given her a belief in herself. She’d coped with difficult times because it hadn’t occurred to her not to. Her mother had taught her that when you were knocked down, you got back up. Did she sometimes find life hard? Yes, but she still got herself out of bed and did what needed to be done. Just as her mother had.

“I already know what sort of mother I’d like to be.” Nicole said without hesitation, “I’d like to be exactly like you.”

Emotion hit Milly like a thump in her chest.

All morning she’d been feeling like a failure, and with those few words Nicole made her feel better.

She swallowed. “That’s possibly the best thing anyone has ever said to me.”

“It’s the truth. If I’m half as good a mother as you, I’ll be doing okay. But that doesn’t mean I’m not still scared. I didn’t plan any of this.”

How much of life did any of them really plan? You thought you were in control, and then out of nowhere something happened and you realized that control was an illusion.

“Can I ask you something?” The food was forgotten as they both focused on the conversation. “When Justin said he didn’t want anything to do with the baby, did that make you reconsider?”

“You mean did it make me consider not keeping my baby? No.” Nicole rested a protective hand on her lower abdomen. “I decided I’d do it without him. But I’m scared.”

“Of course you are. I think most women feel that way whether they’re alone or with someone. It’s a big change. And a big responsibility. But that doesn’t mean you won’t be great at it. And you will. And I will only ever be a phone call away.”

Nicole looked at her, the turmoil of the past eighteen months present in the room with them. “Do you mean that?”

How had she ever thought she could keep her distance? Whatever happened, the bond between them ran too deep to be easily destroyed.

“I’ll be with you every step of the way. I can lend you the books I used and recommend websites. But in the end you’ll do it your own way.” To hide the emotion she was feeling, she grabbed cutlery from the drawer. “Take this out to the deck, and I’ll bring the rest.”

She lifted the quiche onto a board, sliced it and plated it.

Then she covered the rest so that the flies wouldn’t descend on it while it was cooling and joined Nicole on the deck.

“This looks delicious,” Nicole said, and Milly took a sip of water and picked up her fork.

“I wish food didn’t make me feel better about life, but it does. What does that say about me?”

“It says you’re a good cook,” Nicole said as she savored a mouthful of food. “Honestly, who wouldn’t be comforted by this? It’s ambrosial. Although, if you really don’t want to comfort-eat, let me cook next time. There’s no way you’ll be soothed by anything I put on your plate.”

Milly smiled. “Maybe that’s what we need to do. The Nicole Diet. Then I wouldn’t feel so bad about myself.”

Nicole stabbed at her salad. “Why do you feel bad about yourself?”

“Uh . . . because I’m unfit and flabby, and looking in the mirror depresses me.”

“I think you look great. Do you work out?”

---