Page 51 of A Secret Escape

“It is. I wasted so much time being angry with Avery, blaming Avery. But she didn’t take anything he didn’t want to give. He made a choice.” Admitting that hurt. “It’s humiliating.”

“Why? This isn’t about you, Milly. It’s about him. He must have had some sort of midlife crisis. Blew something in his brain.” Nicole bent down to stroke Tiger, who was rubbing himself against her legs as if he sensed she was the only calm one in the room. “Would you take him back?”

Something in her tone made Milly wonder if there was something more behind that question. Was Nicole thinking of Justin’s wife?

“No. I don’t even like him at the moment. He has changed.”

Nicole glanced up. “What has changed?”

“He’s acting strangely. Recently I’ve seen a side of him I really don’t like.” Milly turned back to the pan and added the mushrooms. “Not just the fact that he had an affair, but the way he shirks responsibility. He does what suits him, and the rest of us have to fit round him and just be grateful when he shows up. And I hate how that must make Zoe feel. I want him to show her that she is more important to him than anything else.”

“You’re always thinking about Zoe.”

“I don’t want her to be hurt. I would lie down in front of a bus for her.” Milly turned down the heat and headed back to the fridge. “I’m sure every mother feels the same way.”

The moment the words left her mouth she wanted to pull them back, but it was too late for that.

“Not every mother.” Nicole scooped up Tiger and held him close. “Zoe is lucky to have you.”

“That was tactless. Forgive me.” She waited for Tiger to object to being held and wriggle away, but he sat still, tolerating the affection, as if he sensed that Nicole needed the comfort more than he needed to escape.

“Nothing to forgive. It’s the truth. Most mothers would put their child first. Just not mine.” She hugged Tiger. “But maybe in the end all this will make Zoe tougher. She’ll learn an important lesson. That sometimes the people you love can hurt you and disappoint you. They can make bad choices that you don’t understand. And you will probably still love them anyway. But however they choose to behave, you can choose to be okay.”

Milly mixed together eggs and cream.

“Are we talking about Zoe or you now?”

Nicole laughed. “Definitely Zoe. I’m not okay. I’m as messed up as they come. Look at me, thirty-six years old and still trying to get my mother’s approval. Pathetic, right?”

“Not pathetic.” She couldn’t imagine where she’d be without her mother’s and grandmother’s support. It was something she took for granted. Something everyone should be able to take for granted. “Has your mother messaged you?”

“What do you think?” Nicole kissed Tiger on the head, and he wriggled out of her arms, clearly deciding that kissing was more than one independent cat could reasonably be expected to tolerate.

Milly sprinkled flour on the work surface and rolled out a circle of pastry. “As you just said to me, you do know it’s not you?”

“Ah, but in this case itisme. I’m a big disappointment.”

“Because your career has beensucha failure.” Milly flashed her a smile. “You really should have done better. Tried harder.”

Nicole didn’t return the smile. “But what’s it all been for? What was the point of it? The irony is that at the beginning I did it for her, you know? To prove to her that I was good at something. The first big role I landed, I thought, this is it. She’ll be proud of me now. But she wasn’t. So I thought, maybe that isn’t enough. I need bigger roles. I need to win awards and be noticed and then maybe she’ll notice me too. So I did that, and it still wasn’t enough. And then I gave up on approval and just wanted to show her.”

Milly was upset for her friend all over again. All Nicole had wanted was for her mother to act the way any other mother would. She’d wanted to feel valued. She’d wanted to make her mother proud. And no child should have to work at that.

“And you did show her.”

“Yes, and suddenly my career is soaring, people are looking at me with envy, and I’m asking myself what the heck I’m doing. Why I’m doing it, because my mother doesn’t seem to care what I do or what I achieve. I’ve shown her, and she just doesn’t care. Lately I’ve been questioning my life. My choices.”

Milly assembled everything and slid it into the oven. Her own emotions had settled as she’d listened to Nicole. Whatever her difficulties with Richard, she was loved and supported by her family, and she always had been. She didn’t win awards, and few people outside the village knew her name, but she felt valued. And she knew how much that was worth.

“You’re successful, Nicole. Beyond successful.”

“But what is success? Because if you’re not enjoying the life you’re living, if you’re hating almost every moment, then that doesn’t feel like success to me. I’ve come to the conclusion that fame can be dangerous because it distorts reality. And it’s so easy to get sucked into it.” Nicole paused. “Do you know how it feels to be adored? To have crowds calling your name and people wanting to take a photo with you? Everyone thinking you’re great. It’s intoxicating. You feel validated, important, secure—and I’d never had that before.Maybe if I’d had those things earlier in life, I wouldn’t have been so naive.” She shrugged. “I’m not blaming anyone. I’m just stating a fact. I once got ninety-eight percent in an English exam and I rushed home to tell her thinking that finally I would have made her proud, and do you know what she said? ‘What went wrong, Nicolette? What happened to that two percent?’”

She remembered that conversation: she’d been there when Nicole’s mother had said those words.

Milly wiped her hands and stepped toward her friend. “Nic—”

“I grew up feeling like a failure. I was desperate for her approval.” She took a glass from the cupboard and filled it with water. “Desperate for any evidence that I was worth loving and not a total failure as a human being. When I didn’t get that validation from her, I looked for it elsewhere. To begin with, it was men. Men who paid me attention. My self-esteem was so low I wanted to believe those things they said about me. And then I realized that they weren’t giving, they were using me. Their opinion of me wasn’t any higher than my mother’s. I stopped dating.” She took a sip of water and Milly nodded.

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