Page 71 of Tarek

“Who gives all your little girl friends a goodbye rose at the end of your relationship?” I never understood why my brother did that but to each his own.

“Roxy,” he states quickly as he sits up. “Then she befriends them after. Like what the fuck?”

I close my eyes shaking my head in disgust. “It could be that she just has a likeable personality. While they are crying over you, Roxy is wiping their tears not you.”

“Fuck…she loves me,” he murmurs, pressing his palm into his eye sockets.

“Yay and here’s the kicker. I think you love her too. Admit it, you can’t live without her.” I take pleasure in seeing the realization fall over him.

“You’re being dramatic. I can’t be with her. She is not on the list,” he stands and begins to pace.

“Fuck the list, Archie.” I stand getting ready to leave.

“I can’t.” His back is turned to me.

“Then you are a fool. If you can’t say fuck the list and take what you want, you don’t deserve her.” I didn’t wait for his response; I walk out the library leaving Archer to wrestle his own demons.

* * *

TAREK

The file for Fiona Charles sits in front of me. My fingers feel heavy, like I can’t lift them to open the folder.

In the silence of my office, it’s like Fiona’s spirit hovers over me. I may not have known, but I failed her. I failed this twenty-five-year-old woman. My establishment promises protection from predators, only to have one pounce on her. What was her state of mind like? What made her think that she needed to take her own life?

Opening the file, slowly I see a passport size picture of a girl with dark eyes and dark straight hair.

I begin to read her autopsy report. She shot herself. I didn’t need to see how or where the bullet exited. I did see the sprays of her blood on the wall in the attached photos.

Turning the page, I see pieces of her torn diary stapled together.

January 3rd.

My search for God has been constant. It’s like I pray, and he ignores my cries. Maybe my father was right, God doesn’t answer sinners like my mother or myself. That’s why mom died because she was a sinner.

Flicking the page I see another entry. There is no month written.

I found the lord, in the form of Pastor Jo and his wife. They have been so good to me. I am afraid to feel happy. Maybe the lord hears the prayers of a sinner after all.

My stomach twists as I continue reading Fiona’s diary.

I went to a new place of worship called Nowhere. The pastor says that the lord went to the dwelling of sinners. It’s our job to do the same.

He fucking knew her outside of Nowhere. He was grooming this young woman. Rage engulfs me as I read more.

Pastor Joseph said it was the lord’s work when he…

I close my eyes not needing to see the rest of what was written.

The final page was her suicide note, and I can’t read it. My hands begin to tremble as I see words like,I’m sorryandI pray that the lord forgives me.

He took advantage of a young woman who was looking for guidance and love. How did she get past our vetting? I continue reading her file. We did vet her, and she had the money and means to join Nowhere.

She was just a lost soul seeking peace in Nowhere. In all of the fucking places. Nowhere?

I close the file and breathe out. Rubbing the bridge of my nose, my thoughts are turned to another suicide that still haunts me to this day.“We both should die together to see who he loves most. I wanted to tell her; he doesn’t love me either. But it was too late…. It was all too late.

Turning to my laptop, I begin composing a letter to Pastor Joseph inviting him back into Nowhere. The narcissist won’t question my invitation; his arrogance will blind him. He needs to pay my office a visit before he ventures into Nowhere. That would be his final time entering. An eye for an eye, a life for life. Fiona was going to get the justice she deserves. If it cost me my soul, so be it, I’d walk into hell with arms wide open for her to get justice. My soul doesn’t need to rest in peace, hers fucking does.

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