Page 4 of Tarek

“Because I have fucking responsibilities!” Dereck slams his hand against the windowsill.

“Fuck the responsibilities!” I know I’m wrong for saying that but, pain was over taking my mind.

He grabs my cheeks, squeezing them between his palms. His silvery eyes pierce my very soul. “Fuck my responsibilities? Who is going to pay for my worthless father’s gambling bill?”

I push at his shoulder. “You’re hurting me.”

He tightens his hold. “When the money lenders come to kill my mom and sister, am I supposed to say fuck them, and leave with you?”

His “you” sounds full of pain and disgust.

The pain in my face has gone, overshadowed by the pain he is inflicting on my heart.

He lets go of my cheeks and wipes my face. I didn’t even realize I was crying.

“Then why did you do what you just did? Why take my virginity from me? Why tell me that you love me?” This is what a slow death feels like, because I know no matter what he says, it will just hurt me more.

“Because I’m a selfish asshole, Sticks,” he drags his hands down his face as he wipes his tears away.

I feel empty. I have nothing left in me. No life, no energy… nothing.

“Give me five years Sticks,” he pleads as his eye’s roves over my face. He pushes me softly against the wall.

“For what?” As I look up at him, longing for him to make this all go away.

“To make it right between us. In the meantime, let me put you up in a house. Pay your bills. I can take care of you. You can go to med school.”

My breath hitches. “You want me to be your mistress?”

He licks his lips nervously. “No, you can be my woman.”

A small bubble of hysteria hits me, and I chuckle. “If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck. Dereck, it’s a duck,”

“I’m not asking you to be my mistress.” He pushes his forehead against mine. His breath reeks of the wine that we had from my mother’s cupboard.

“No, you are just asking me to wait while you fuck your new wife and me in the background.” I push away from his chest.

“I’m asking you to give me time. You’re not being fair Sticks.” He grunts as he moves away. Grabbing the roots of his hair. His eyes are red as more tears slide down his face.

“Fuck fair. You want to put my life on hold while you live yours,” I rub my sternum, knowing I was about to rip my heart out.

“You’re not being rational Sticks,” he says as he wipes his tears away.

“Rational? Okay. You want me to watch you get married, oh and you will have to get her pregnant,” the thought of Dereck having a child that is not mine…. “I am just supposed to bear down, and be a strong black woman and wait for you.”

Dereck's jaw twitches as he listens to my words.

I drop my hands at my side, clenching my fist, I ask, “Do you love me? It’s either yes or no, Dereck?”

He looks at me, answering me without saying a word.

“But not enough to leave this all behind for me,” I answer. My throat tightens.

“I told you my plans,” he mutters.

He grabs his jacket at the back of the chair; he drapes it over his head and head to the door. His back stays turned from me.

For a moment, his head drops, shoulders heavy. Then he slowly turns to face me.

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