Page 117 of Tarek

But I am never enough! Now I live in the shadow of a woman–the one who still holds his heart. I could never meet up to her standards. I had everything that she had and more and yet Dereck longs for her even now and I am left watching the back of his head.

Now I sit in a rented car watching him watching her. She looks so regal and happy in her wedding dress. Look at him, sad and forlorn. I want to scream, “Stop!” when I see him beginning to cross the street. But he wouldn’t listen to me. No, he listens to her.

With a shake of her head, Miranda commands him. Mid step he stops. In his grief, he doesn’t notice me sitting, watching him stumble to his car, bending over retching his guts out.

I wonder if he was crying, or does it hurt him the way our wedding hurt her? I look across the street, watching my best friend settle in the car. She may not think that I am her best friend, but she is mine still. She is mine. Her eyes meet mine and they widen.

At least someone sees me. It’s always Miranda that sees me never Dereck. Yes, time has passed, and she still sees me. I place my hand on the window frame, wishing I could hug her. Hoping for her forgiveness. She places hers on the glass and gives me a sad knowing smile and moves it away. She pauses and looks back at Dereck. Dereck jumps in his car and drives away.

She gets to see the front of him…and all I see is the back of his head.

* * *

PENNY

He loves me. That’s what he said last night, his eyes never left mine. I couldn’t say it back because…I don’t know if I love him. What is love anyway? How can he love me? He doesn’t know everything about me. I haven’t even told him that I think I might be pregnant. He loves me. That’s what the men in my life all say, then they leave. Does that mean he would want to leave me and the baby?

I didn’t bother to take the test. In a panic, I drove straight to my OBGYN office this morning. At first, I was going to Dr. Chu Ping, but I couldn’t get an appointment with him. Now I am sitting here waiting for Dr. Samson to come in and tell me my results.

Cradling my tummy, I pray silently that there is a baby in there. A new someone to love and who will love me without conditions.

The door opens and a burly man in a white coat comes in. Doctor Samson always looks so neat and put together. His office is clean, smelling of Fabuloso and bleach. His pink skin, has a hint of tan, and even his bald head with wisps of straight grey hair looks sun-kissed. It’s like he just got back from vacation.

He sits down and opens a file.

“Okay, so you’re not pregnant. Your missed period is all thanks to your PCOS. Your testosterone levels…”

I couldn’t hear him. I am not pregnant. It was just my PCOS. I feel like I am being punished for a sin that I didn’t know I committed.

“Are you paying attention, Ms. Holt?” Dr. Samson voice is mean and stern, his index finger points down at the papers in the file.

All I can do is nod.

“You have to lose this weight, you are prediabetic. You can’t be fat and expect to have children. Stop eating so much.” Dr. Samson said.

On a normal day I would have put this man in his place. But my heart, can’t take anymore.

“Would I be able to have children?” I whisper, feeling like my life is being held in the balance.

“No. From the looks of the ultrasound…”

Each word that he says feels like a cut on my skin. I’m too fat, prediabetic. I can’t have children. He pushes a white paper with scribbles on it.

“Take that to the pharmacy, it’s a birth control pill.” The more he spoke, the more defeated I feel, like I am failing as a woman, because of PCOS.

I don’t remember standing or leaving his office. I just got in my car feeling exhausted and wrung out. I want to cry, but this is not the time. I shouldn’t have gone to the doctor today. I should have waited till the wedding was over. My phone has three missed call.

Tarek

Treasure where are you? Why are you not answering the phone?

I swallow looking down into the phone. If I don’t reply I feel that he may find himself in front of me.

Me

Getting ready for the spa with Zee. Talk to you later.

I stare at the phone for some seconds waiting to see if he would call me. Thankfully he doesn’t. If I hear his voice, I may break down and cry.

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