Page 164 of Tarek

I was thankful Tarek wasn’t here to witness this disaster. He was having breakfast with Miranda’s mom in the kitchen.

“On my birthday? Why?” I ask as I butter my toast. Being thankful that my hands are not shaking, because every organ inside of me is.

Dereck casually slices into his ham. “We have both been unfaithful. We are both miserable and I think it’s time.”

His casual tone stabs deeper than any insult. I press the knife against the butter harder than necessary. Then I set it down and wipe my fingers on the napkins. “You think it’s time. What about what I think? I guess it doesn’t matter.”

Dereck doesn’t even look up. “Opinions rendered are null and void at this point.”

“It’s my birthday, Dereck,” I cried.

“Yes, and I am giving you the gift of freedom. Sign the papers,” he counters.

I grip the napkin on my lap. “You never gave us a chance, Dereck. Is it so hard to love me? Haven’t I given you everything you desire?”

Dereck’s knife and fork clatters on his plate as he drops it, “Ilyana stop with the drama and sign.”

“Drama.” I scoff. “After everything I did for you and your family.”

“After everything you did?” His laugh is dark and bitter. “You mean the lies? The manipulation?”

“I gave you blood and tears Dereck,” I shout.

“You gave me deceit and betrayal!” His face reddens as he glares at me. “Do you think that I have forgotten? It’s a guilt I’ll carry for the rest of my life.”

Tears spill down my cheeks despite my best efforts. My voice cracks as I plead. “I was young and stupid.”

“But smart enough to drug me,” he interrupts. His voice is heavy with venom. “Smart enough to make me feel like I was making love to Miranda when it was you.”

The weight of his words crashes down on me, making it hard for me to breathe. “Dereck, please.”

He doesn’t understand the guilt I carry because I was a stupid neglected teenage girl who wanted love.

“Please?” His laugh is cold. “You threatened me with rape charges, Ily. You forced my hand. Do you think I wanted to marry you? I let Miranda think I was marrying you for power…when it was just you and your deceit.” He rises slowly, dropping his napkin to the table.

“Years have passed. I am still here begging for forgiveness. I just want to be enough for you.” I move around the table and stand in front of him. I tip toe and kiss him. His lips were like stone beneath mine. No warmth, no response.

Dereck pushes me a way slowly. “I will never forgive you, Ilyana.”

“How can I attain your forgiveness Dereck? I am so sorry. Tell me what to do and I will do it,” I press my hand down to the table for support.

With disgust he looks down at me. “I don’t care. Sign the papers, kill yourself, either way I don’t care. Just get the hell out of my life.”

* * *

TAREK–4 months.

I’m a mess. I thought that I was ready to be a dad, but I feel like time is passing and I am not ready. I’ve read more dad books than needed. Between “We’re pregnant! The first time Dad Pregnancy Handbook,The Expectant Father, andWhat To Expect When You’re Expecting. My side table is towering with books about fatherhood. Penny, however, is handling this like a champ. Morning sickness? None. In fact she is glowing. She doesn’t look as stressed out as I am. I am stressed because I want to get fatherhood right. Or at least better than my dad did. That is why I have my four best friends around a table at the Glasshouse. I closed my business down to get this special tasting done.

Janaka pushes out a silver tray with cloche covered plates. Placing each one in front of my friends. I take a seat and sigh. Cole rubs his hands together in excitement.

“Let’s go. What do we have under here, a new quail dish? Beef tarte?” Jasper is literally salivating over the cloche.

“Lift your cloche,” I state, starting to make notes on my phone.

Cole scratches his head. “Okay, what is this?”

“It’s a velvety butternut squash puree with a hint of nutmeg. Enjoy.” Pressing my elbows onto the table I watch them all consume the puree.

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