Page 76 of Choosing You

“Yes.” Now he’ll definitely think I’m crazy. “It started after she died.”

“I hear my mom in my head sometimes, too. It’s just the memory of her.”

“This is more than a memory. It’s like she’s still alive, screaming at me. Telling me what a horrible person I am and how I’m going to screw everything up, just like she did. And I can’t make it stop.”

“Look at me, Jade.” He waits for me to lift my eyes to his. “Youcanmake it stop. You’re incredibly strong. You’re stronger than anyone I know. Look what you came from and look what you did with your life. You don’t have to listen to her. You can shut her out.”

“I can’t. I’ve tried.”

“Then I’ll work on it with you.”

“And how are you going to do that?”

“I don’t know. Let me think about it and get back to you.”

His offer makes me smile. His voice has so much sincerity, like he really does believe he can help.

I’m both amazed and confused at how Garret’s responding to this. I thought for sure he would’ve called me a lunatic and kicked me out of his room by now.

“Can I ask you something about your mom?”

I nod.

“Did she hurt you? Like physically hurt you?”

“Sometimes. If I made her mad. So I learned not to make her mad. Or I’d get out of the house when she started to get angry. She got angry a lot.”

“I’m sorry, Jade. I know that doesn’t help, but I don’t know what else to say.”

“I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. Like you said, I’m strong. I got through the hell of living with her all those years. And I’ll get over whatever’s going on now. I don’t know why I broke down like that. It’s just that I really like you and when you wouldn’t even touch me it was like she was here again, controlling my life. Taking away everything I want. I keep trying to move on and pretend that she never existed, but I guess I need to try harder.”

“Maybe that’s the problem. You’re trying to run from the past when maybe you need to face it.”

“No, thanks. I lived it. I don’t need to remember it.”

“But dealing with the past can help you move forward. At least it did for me.” He stops and I get ready to ask what he means but then he continues. “When my mom died, I refused to accept it. I kept thinking she would just come home one day. I’d wait at school, looking for her car to pick me up. I had dreams that she was still alive. Finally my dad made me see a counselor and after talking to the guy I realized that I couldn’t say goodbye to my mom until I faced the fact that I was so damn pissed at her for leaving me. I hated her for it. And I hated myself for feeling that way. Because it wasn’t her fault. She didn’t want to leave. Eventually I figured out that I wasn’t angry at her at all. I was angry that the plane crash even happened and that everything changed from that point forward. Once I accepted that, I could finally move on.” He stops. “You don’t want to hear this, do you?”

“Idowant to hear it. And I’ve been listening to everything you said. But your situation is different than mine.”

“Yeah, but what I’m trying to tell you is that to get past this you can’t keep running from it. You have to deal with it.”

“I’m not running from it! I just don’t want to think about it!”

He lowers his voice. “It was just an idea, Jade. I was just trying to help.”

“I know. And I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you. I’ll think about it, okay?” I run my hand along his shirt trying to smooth the wrinkles I created with my tears. “Garret, will you do something for me?”

“Of course.” He takes my hand off his shirt and holds it in his.

“Don’t treat me differently now that I’ve told you this. I’m not fragile. I’m not going to break. And I need you to promise you won’t tell anyone what I told you tonight. Only you and Ryan know this about me. I haven’t even told Frank.”

“I won’t tell anyone.”

“Good. Now can we watch a movie and eat our cold Chinese food?”

He leans in and kisses my cheek.

“What was that for?”

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