Page 62 of Choosing You

I keep hearing my mom telling meI told you soover and over again in my head. Telling me how boys are trouble and how they ruin your life. Maybe she was right. But I want so badly for her to be wrong. I know in my heart that Garret and I had something together that was real and good. I felt happy in the short time I was with him. Happier than I’ve ever felt. And even if I can’t be withhim, there has to be someone else out there who could make me feel that way again. Not every man can be bad. Frank’s not bad. And Ryan’s not.

The only time I see Garret is during English class, but he doesn’t talk to me. We haven’t even exchanged our notebooks. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t even look in his direction. He never looks at me either. Since this happened, he just sits there staring at his laptop.

After the third weekend of moping around my room, I decide it’s time to move on. I refuse to be one of those girls who remains depressed over a boy for months on end.

Despite whatever happened with Garret, I have plenty of other things to feel good about. It’s early October and the leaves are brilliant shades of yellow and orange. The air is crisp and cool and perfect for going on long runs. I’m doing great in all my classes and Frank and Ryan are doing really well. So I’m not going to waste my time sulking over some stupid guy.

On Tuesday, I see Garret in English and ignore him as usual. When class is over, just as I’m about to leave, he drops two notebooks on my desk—small green notebooks that are unlike the big blue notebooks we were given for class. Garret quickly gets up and walks out before I can ask him about it. I stuff the notebooks in my bag and head home.

When I’m back in my room I plop down on my bed and open one of the notebooks. Inside it says,Remember how we were going to get notebooks to write down stuff we couldn’t say? I don’t know if you want to anymore but if so, this is yours. The other one is mine.

I set the notebook down and open the other one.The first page is the original entry he made in our official English notebook, the page we tore out so Professor Hawkins couldn’t read it. I flip through and see several more entries. I read the second page.

I’ve been hanging out with this girl a lot now. She continues to fascinate me and I can’t seem to get enough of her. Today we had pancakes at Al’s Pancake House. I’ve never seen anyone get so excited about pancakes. Who knew that something so small could make someone so happy? I wanted to make her that happy again, so I told her we would go there every Sunday. Her eyes lit up like I’d told her I was taking her to Paris or something. But it wasn’t Paris. It was just a promise of pancakes every week.

I read page 3.Tonight I invited this girl to hang out in my room. I just thought we’d eat pizza and watch movies and that was it. But it became more than that. She asked about my mom so I told her the story. Talking about my mom was harder than I thought it would be. Maybe because I never talk about her or what happened to her. But I felt better when I was done because this girl actually listened to me like she cared. No one has ever listened to me like that. No one except my mom.

The entry on page 4 says:Today was one of the worst days I’ve had in a really long time. I was told I could no longer see this girl who I really care about and who was becoming my closest friend. My life is full of rules and even though these rules make no sense to me, for some reason I follow them. I told her to stay away from me and that I would stay away from her. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to say to someone. I ran off as soon as I said it because I was too much of a coward to see how much I hurt her. But now I feel like the worst person in the world.

I turn to page 5, the last entry.“I haven’t talked to this girl in weeks and I miss her so much it hurts. I miss her smile and her laugh and even her insults. I miss having pancakes with her and watching movies and just sitting quietly together. I no longer care about the rules. They’re someone else’s rules. This is my life and I’ll make up my own rules. If she’ll let me, I need to talk to this girl again. If she hates me, I understand. But we shouldn’t end it the way it ended. That was someone else’s end. We need our own end.

Jade, I miss you. I made a huge mistake. And I just want to talk. --Garret

I shut the notebook and throw it on the floor. This is the last thing I need right now. I’m finally feeling better and now he tosses this crap at me? Why does he keep doing this? He hurts me and then expects me to forgive him. It’s just like when he lied about being a Kensington.

The phone rings. I get up to answer, then hesitate in case it’s Garret. The ringing continues.

“Yeah. What?” I answer.

“Jade? It’s Frank.”

“I’m sorry, Frank. I didn’t mean to answer that way.”

“How are you doing? Are you okay?”

It’s the anniversary of my mom’s suicide and I’ve been trying to forget about it all day, but apparently Frank won’t let me do that.

“I’m fine. Really. It’s been four years. I’ve moved on.”

“Honey, I just—”

“You don’t have to worry about me, okay? I just want to forget about it. Can we talk about something else?”

He sighs and I know he’s frustrated with me, but I really have nothing more to say about it.

“So anything new with you and Ryan?” I ask.

“No, not much, but I wanted to let you know that we sent you a package, so be sure to keep an eye out for it.”

“A package? What’s in it?”

“That’s a surprise. It’s for your birthday.”

“You didn’t need to send me anything. You know I don’t celebrate birthdays.”

“Everyone should celebrate their birthday.” Frank’s tone lightens. He’s way more excited about my birthday than I am. He always has been, probably in an attempt to compensate for my mom always forgetting it or ignoring it. “Now listen, Jade. I want you to go out with your friends on Thursday and have a good time. Don’t eat in the dining hall and do homework all night.”

“But I—”

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