Page 44 of Choosing You

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Saturday morningI wake up feeling so nervous about meeting with Garret that I can’t even eat breakfast. I have no idea what to say to him. My anger toward him is long gone, but he still lied to me and I never got a good answer why.

I take a quick shower and put on a tank top and shorts. The summer heat has returned and it feels like the middle of July.

Garret knocks on my door right at 9. He’s wearing khaki shorts and a white t-shirt that highlights his tan skin and muscular arms. He hasn’t shaved yet and although I normally like a clean shave on a guy, I find the light layer of stubble on his face extremely sexy. I’m staring again. I don’t mean to, but damn he’s hot. It’s very distracting.

“Do you still want to go outside?” he asks. “I don’t mind the heat, but if you do we can stay here.”

He waits for me to answer. The silence wakes me from my distracted state. “Um, no. Let’s go outside. I have an old blanket to sit on.”

We find a spot on the edge of campus near the track. I didn’t want to be in the open quad by our dorm where people would keep walking past. I’m not sure where this conversation will go and I don’t want to be interrupted.

I set the blanket up under a big shade tree. There’s a soft breeze that makes the heat more tolerable.

“So we just exchange books and make our notes, right?” he asks.

“Yeah. I only made one entry so far.”

“Me too.” He hands me his notebook and I give him mine.

As soon as I see my notebook in his hands, I tense up and my heart starts beating faster. I quickly regret what I’ve done and I consider grabbing the notebook back, but he’s already started reading it.

I look down at Garret’s notebook and open it to the first page. He has nice handwriting. Way better than mine. I start reading.

Sept. 12. I met a girl last week who is the most interesting person I’ve ever met. I helped her move in and ever since then, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her. The next day I saw her out on the track. She started insulting me right away and for some reason I didn’t mind it. I asked the girl to lunch that day, and after lunch I asked her to dinner because I didn’t get enough of her at lunch. Later we went to a party. I’ve never left a party sober, but that night I did. Because of her. It felt good leaving with my mind still intact, still able to walk straight. I wasn’t ready to let her go, so I took her for ice cream. I spent the whole day with this girl and then at night, I lay awake thinking about her, wanting to see her again.

I should have told her who I was on that first day we met. But I didn’t. I should have told her the next day, or the day after that. But I didn’t because I didn’t want anything to change between us. Every moment with her was so real and so perfect. I didn’t want it to end. But now it has. And I miss her. All I can say is that I’m sorry. But I know sometimes that’s just not enough.

As I’m reading it, I feel wetness in the corners of my eyes. I turn my back to Garret so he won’t notice the affect his English assignment is having on me. I read it again, mainly because I don’t believe it. Nobody has ever expressed feelings for me like that. And I’m not sure I trust that they’re real.

Garret is quiet and I wonder what he’s thinking after reading my notebook. This is what I wrote.

I don’t always understand people. Well, truthfully, I don’t understand them because I don’t trust them. I always assume people are lying because nobody wants to hear the truth. They say they do, but they really don’t. But sometimes people need to hear the truth, even if they won’t like it.

I met someone the other day. And after knowing him just a short while, I felt like I understood him. And that he understood me. I can’t explain what this feels like exactly. There aren’t really words to describe it. But I liked the feeling because for the first time in my life I felt like I made a real connection with someone. I started to trust this person, which doesn’t make sense because I’ve only trusted two people in my entire life. But then I found out that he lied to me and I suddenly felt like I couldn’t trust him or anyone ever again. But I want to be able to trust people, especially him. So I wish this person would tell me why he lied so I could trust him again. And so I could understand him again. And so that maybe we could be friends.

I turn back around to face him. Garret speaks first, holding up my notebook. “It’s good. A few run-on sentences but other than that, I like it.”

My heart rate returns to normal now that’s he read it. I’ve completely exposed myself on paper and I can’t take it back now.

“I like yours, too. It sounds like you really like this girl, whoever she is. But she sounds like too much work. You should just forget her and move on.”

“I don’t want to forget her. Or move on.” He sets my notebook down. “I want to get to know her.”

I put his notebook aside and look down at the blanket. “Maybe she doesn’t want to get to know you.” I don’t know why I just said that to him. It’s not at all true.

“Well, maybe you could talk to her and get her to change her mind. Convince her to hang out with me again. Maybe go on a run or watch a movie.”

“I might be able to convince her to do that.” My finger traces the circular pattern in the blanket which helps keep my emotions in check. “But I think she needs to hear what’s really going on with you first. And why you lied.”

Garret puts his hand around my wrist just as I start tracing the circles on a new section of the blanket. I look up at him and he releases my wrist and slips his hand into mine.

“Jade, I’m sorry. And I’m telling you again that I didn’t have some hidden agenda. I just didn’t want you judging me before you knew me. I assumed if you heard my name, you’d think I was just another spoiled trust fund kid and want nothing to do with me.”

My hand tenses up as I consider yanking it away from him. He tightens his grip and I relax it again. I don’t want him to let go of me and yet I fight him. And somehow he knows that and holds on. How does he understand me like that?

“You know about my mom, Garret. And I didn’t want anyone here to know. I was counting on getting a fresh start and then I find out the person I want to hide my past from the most is the one who knows everything about it.”

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