Page 30 of Choosing You

The cool air begins to dry the water droplets on my chest, making me shiver. He notices and lowers me deeper into the water, his eyes not leaving mine. Then he dips his face in the pool and runs his lips lightly along my neck, leaving a trail of cool liquid behind. He dips in the water again and wets my lips with his, then licks the water away and slips his tongue past. I love how he tastes. How he feels. All of it.

My body is begging for him to keep going. To do more. I’ve never wanted that before. With other guys I’m anxious, afraid of what they’ll do next. I don’t trust them. My muscles tense up at their touch as I prepare to fight them away if things go too far. But I feel safe with Garret, completely at ease as his strong arms hold me up and the cool water streams around us.

Men are liars, Jade. They tell you what you want to hear. They get what they want and then they leave.

My mother’s voice enters my head like a lightning bolt, jarring me out of my blissful state. I try to ignore it, pleading for it to go away.Let me have this, I say back to the voice.Let me have something I can feel. Something that’s all mine. Something that’s not ruined by you.I’m not you, Mom. I’ll never be you.

I notice my legs have loosened around Garret’s waist and I’m falling deeper into the water. His hands move under my thighs and he hoists me up. Warmth floods my core and I arch back as he kisses my chest. I tighten my legs around him and feel his hand slide up behind my neck again, bringing me back to his lips. His other hand slips under my butt, holding me up but also lingering as if questioning whether it has permission to venture under the fabric of my suit.

My mother’s voice shouts within my head again.You’ll end up like me, Jade. It only takes one man. One time. And your whole life is over.I can almost smell the liquor as the words echo in my mind.I’m not you,I shout back to the voice.No matter what happens, I’ll never be you!

Shit! Why is she doing this to me? Why now? Everything in this moment feels so right and so perfect. I don’t want it to stop. Why can’t I have this? Why does she take all the good things away from me?

Anger shoots through me like a canon. It erupts from within and I lose all control of it. I shove Garret away and kick at him with my legs.

He lets go, a look of complete shock and horror at my bizarre behavior. “Jade? What is it? What did I do?”

I feel guilty when he says it. He thinks he did something wrong. But he didn’t do anything wrong. In fact what he did was exactly what I wanted him to do, even though I had no idea that’s what I wanted until just a few minutes ago. I had no idea I could feel that connected with someone. That safe with someone.

But she ruined it. She made me feel like it was wrong. Like it will only lead to the path she ended up on. Drunk and alone and dead before the age of 40.

I swim to the edge of the pool. “I have to go.” My voice is shaky and I shiver from the cold air. I push up hard with my arms, balancing my stomach on the lip of the pool, then swing one leg up and use it to help get the rest of me out of the water. I’m sure I look like a complete idiot trying to climb out of the pool that way but I’m too far away from the nearest ladder.

“Wait! I don’t understand.” Garret meets me at the edge of the pool. He lifts himself out with practically no effort at all. “Jade, wait!” He catches my hand as I try to walk away. “I’m sorry. I thought you were telling me it was okay. I guess I misread the whole thing.”

I turn my back to him, my hand stuck in his tight grip. Tears are running down my face but there’s no way in hell I’m letting him see them. I’m so mad at myself I could scream. But I don’t. Instead I stand there, just trying to breathe.

“Jade, you should’ve said something. I would’ve stopped. I won’t do it again, okay?”

His words only make the tears come harder. I don’t want him tonotdo it again. I want him to do what he just did over and over again. I want those feelings, those emotions, the desire—all of it—again. But she won’t let me have it.

CHAPTERNINE

I ripmy hand away from Garret’s and run into the girls’ locker room.

“Jade, come back!” I hear his voice echoing behind me.

I turn on the shower and sit on the cold tile floor, letting the hot water warm me. I wrap my arms around my bent knees and let my head hang over them. My tears meet up with the running water that’s flowing around me. I watch as the water swirls before it hits the big metal holes of the floor drain. It hesitates, like it doesn’t want to go down that dark hole. I know exactly how it feels. Every time something good happens in my life, I hesitate, thinking it can’t be real. Knowing it won’t last. And then it doesn’t and I end up right back down that dark hole.

Why do I let her get to me this way? Why does she have this power over me? I’m not her. I was the freaking valedictorian. I got a full ride scholarship to a prestigious private college. I’m not going to get knocked up from a one night stand and spend the rest of my life drugging myself until I end up dead on the bathroom floor.

I remember the day a boy came to my house looking for me. He was in my class and was just bringing me a book I left at school. But my mother assumed he was there for sex. She was so determined to prevent any possibility of an accidental pregnancy that she put me on the pill the second I got my period. I was 13 for crying out loud! I hadn’t even kissed a boy!

Even if I did get pregnant, which I would never allow to happen, I would still never end up like her. What kind of person starts drugging herself with hard liquor and prescription pills as soon as she has a baby? And then keeps it up, getting more addicted every year? Only a sick, selfish, horrible human being who lacks any kind of compassion for the tiny, helpless person who never wanted to be born into those conditions.

Steam from the shower engulfs me as I sit there on the floor. My tears have slowed but rage is still seething inside me. I hate her. I hate her so much. But I can’t let her words keep controlling me like this. She’s taken too much from me already. She can’t take the rest of my life away.

I stand up slowly and turn the shower off. I dry off and put my shorts and tank top back on, shivering from the air conditioning. My wet hair makes me even colder, but I’m too tired to dry it.

When I get back outside, I hear a voice behind me.

“Hey.” Garret speaks soft and low. I stop and feel his hand gently slip into mine. Every cell in my body wants to run, but for some unexplained reason I turn to him, keeping my head down. He steps up right in front of me, then releases my hand and wraps his arms around me without saying a word.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, still smelling the chlorine on our skin. My arms remain at my sides as I bury my head in his chest and listen to his heart beat. It’s beating fast, probably because he was scared shitless to approach me again. It slows as we stand there in complete silence. I savor how it feels to be this close to someone because I’m not sure I’ll let him, or anyone, ever be this close again.

Eventually I pull away from him, but his arms remain around my waist. I keep my head down, too embarrassed to face him. “I’m sorry for how I reacted in there.”

“It’s okay. I shouldn’t have pushed it. I didn’t mean for that to happen, Jade. That wasn’t my intention when I invited you to swim with me.”

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