Page 163 of Choosing You

“Yeah, I got the hint,” I say, laughing. “Goodnight.”

He kisses me. “I love you, Jade.”

He waits for me to say it back but I can’t do it. I can’t keep getting closer to him. I need to start pulling away from him. I let myself get far too deep into this and now I need to get out, even though my heart is screaming at me not to.

I close the door, leaving him even more confused and most likely hurt by my lack of response. I run a bath in the giant soaking tub, then lie in the warm water trying not to think about Garret. But he’s all I can think about. Why did I let myself get so attached to him knowing it won’t last?

After an hour of soaking I get out and put on a t-shirt to sleep in. Garret must have turned up the heat earlier when I said I was cold because it’s much warmer in here now. I crawl into bed, noticing how big and empty it feels without Garret next to me. But I’m warm and tired and I eventually fall asleep.

“Jade.” I feel an arm wrap around me from behind.

“Garret? What are you doing here? I don’t feel like—”

“I’m not here for that. I just want to talk.”

A guy in bed with the half-naked girlfriend he’s finally had sex with just wants to talk? That’s a first.

“We can talk in the morning. Just go to sleep.”

“I can’t sleep until I figure out what’s going on with you.” He sits up on his side and turns me over so I’m lying on my back. I can see his face in the tiny glimmer of moonlight coming through the window. “Are you breaking up with me?”

“What? No. Of course not.” I act like I’m surprised by the question, but he knows me way too well.

“Why do you want to end this? We just started this. And it’s great. Really great.”

I keep quiet, noticing the desperation in his eyes as he tries to find a way past this giant wall I’ve now put up between us.

“You love me, right?”

“Yes,” I say just above a whisper.

“Then why are you doing this? Why are you acting this way? Pushing me away?”

I try to turn my back to him but he puts his leg over mine, pinning me in place. “Why are you doing this, Jade?”

“I told you. It won’t last.” My voice sounds angry even though I didn’t intend for it to. I’m not angry at him. I’m angry at myself.

“What are you a psychic?” His tone lightens. He brushes the hair off my forehead, then kisses it. “You can see the future now?”

He’s right. I sound ridiculous. I have no idea what the future holds. But I know the past. And it hasn’t been good to me.

“I don’t have much, Garret. And I’m not talking about stuff, like clothes or material things. I mean that I don’t have much in life when it comes to people. I have Frank and Ryan. That’s it. And I don’t even know how long they’ll stick around now that I’m grown up and on my own. Then I met you and I felt like I added someone to the short list of people who care about me. But eventually you’ll go away, too. Everyone’s been trying to break us apart since we met. And we’re 19. Nothing lasts at 19.”

I lie there waiting for his response.

“Are you done yet?” His tone is harsh, almost like he’s mad at me. It’s not at all what I was expecting. “Are you done feeling sorry for yourself, Jade? Because it’s really getting old. And I’m not going to let it ruin things between us.”

My defenses immediately go up. “I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I just know—”

His finger touches my lips. “It’s my turn to talk. You’re done using your past as an excuse for shit. What happened sucked and I’m sorry it happened at all. But it’s over. You keep using your past as a reason why you can’t be happy. It’s like you don’t want to be. Or you’re afraid to be. Maybe because of shit your mom said. Or maybe you think you don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t know what’s going on in your head, but you’ve gotta stop it, Jade. You’re smart and beautiful and a million other good things and you deserve to be happy.”

“But Garret, it never lasts. Just when things get good, bad things start happening. And I can’t let that happen with us.”

“So you’re just going to end it before something bad can happen? That’s completely fucked up. You’re just making your own fears come true. Don’t you get that?”

When he puts it like that, it kind of makes sense. Iamsort of creating the very outcome that I’m trying to avoid. Damn! I really am messed up.

“Jade, bad things happen all the time. To all of us. You look around and think people are happy, but at least half of them are just hiding all the bad shit that’s going on in their lives. Think of me. My life looks perfect, right? Look at this house. And my car. And all my expensive stuff. But I wasn’t happy until I met you. Before that I hated my life. That’s why I drank all the time. It just numbed everything so I could get through each day.”

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