Page 72 of Between Here and There

“No, I do know that. I just…” I pause. “I don’t know, maybe I didn’t want to accept that that was my reality. And admitting it to you will do that.”

Bon still hasn’t moved, and I turn to her, my stomach in knots. “Bon, I’m so sorry. I know I should have told you, but I was afraid… afraid of losing your trust, afraid you’d think less of me for faking something so important.”

Her voice is soft, but there’s an edge to it when she finally speaks. “Emily, you made me feel so many things these past few weeks. Excited, because I was finally going to see you again. Then confused and sidelined when you told me you were with my brother. And then… happy.” Her voice cracks, and tears shimmer in her eyes. “I was so happy for you. I thought you both finally found someone who deserves you. And now you’re telling me it was all a lie?”

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, my voice barely audible.

She exhales sharply, blinking back her tears. “I want to be mad at you. I really do. But I can’t.”

I blink, confused. “What?”

“For the record, we’re not mad either,” Haley interjects, her tone lighter, breaking the tension just enough for all of us to let out shaky laughs.

Bon looks at me, her expression softening. “I’m not mad, Em. I’m just… sad. Sad that you felt like you couldn’t be honest with me, with us.”

And that, somehow, feels worse than anger.

“I didn’t mean to shut you out,” I say, my voice trembling. “I just… I didn’t know how to admit that I was struggling. Because, honestly, New York is kicking my ass. It’s like everything’s spiraling out of control, and I’m just barely holding on. And somehow, being away from all of you made me feel like I had to power through. Like I couldn’t let any of you see how much I was falling apart. Especially when you all were so proud of me.”

For a moment, they don’t respond. Then, with a sigh, Bon leans forward and wraps her arms around me. Her hug is warm, firm, and filled with the kind of forgiveness I don’t feel like I deserve. “I can’t believe I’m saying this to you, but… you’re an idiot,” she mutters against my shoulder, her voice trembling. “We’re always proud of you.”

Kate and Haley join us in a group hug, their arms wrapping around me in a cocoon of love and acceptance. The weight on my chest doesn’t disappear entirely, but it feels lighter, more bearable with them by my side.

As we pull apart, Haley smirks, brushing a tear off her cheek with her thumb. “Alright, now that we’ve had our emotional treehouse intervention, can we talk about this fake relationship of yours? Nobody’s that good an actor.”

My chest tightens, and the tears I thought were under control resurface. “That’s the thing,” I manage to say, my voice trembling. I feel a knot form in my throat as I try to explain. “Because I think I’ve gone and done the exact thing I was supposed to avoid.” I take a shaky breath. “I think I’m actually in love with him. He’s been the kindest, most supportive person to me, and after everything… I don’t think I can ever go back to being strangers.”

“Then what’s the problem?” Bon pipes up, always blunt. “From where I’m sitting, he obviously feels the same way.”

I let out a short, almost humorless laugh. “You don’t know that. And besides, that’s not part of our plan. We agreed—this was supposed to be temporary, just to get us both through this wedding. To keep up appearances and avoid awkward questions.” I glance away, ashamed at how messy it’s all become. “By the way,” I say, “I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t tell anyone else.”

“Can I tell Ryan?” Bon asks. “I promise he won’t tell anyone else. He doesn’t really gossip. Boring old man, my husband.” I chuckle and nod.

“So… you’re in love with someone who’s a hundred percent in love with you too,” Kate says. “That doesn’t sound like a crisis, Emily.”

I shake my head vehemently, the words tumbling out in a rush. “You guys don’t get it,” I say, voice shaky. “Josh is a casual dating, no-commitment kind of guy. He’s not looking for something serious. And I—” I pause, glancing at each of their faces. “I don’t feel like I could be in a relationship again, not after everything. It’s gonna get messy, we’re gonna hurt each other, and it will end with us not even being friends anymore.” The thought of it, the inevitable heartbreak, churns in my stomach. The fear of losing him, even if this whole thing started out fake, is far greater than I expected.

“Your mind really baffles me,” Haley says. “You are so far down the road, you don’t even think about thenow. You say it’s gonna be messy. It’s gonna hurt both of you. You always imagine the worst possible scenario, but… what about the best? What if it’s gonna be good?”

“And if it won’t?” I counter.

“Then it won’t.” Haley shrugs. “But you’re never gonna know if you won’t try it, will you?”

“Last year,” Bon starts, “You told me not to overthink things before they happen.”

“I’ve never been the one to take my advice,” I say.

“Like Kuya,” she replies.

“By the way, Bon, could you maybe not tell him about this whole thing going on with me?” I plead.

“Of course. I only meddle when I’m asked to,” she says.

We all stand up, stretching our legs. Thankfully, they don’t pressure me to figure it out. They’re just… there. Like they always were. At the same time, Manang Linda’s words from earlier echo in my mind.You don’t always have to hold it together.

But the truth is, I don’t know how tonotbe fine out in the open. For so long, I’ve been the one who holds everything together, the one who brushes things off and powers through. Letting myself break feels terrifying, like if I start, I might never stop.

And yet here I am, breaking. For the guy who may or may not see me the way I want him to. For the goodbye I know is coming. For the ache of wanting something I don’t think I’m brave enough to reach for.

---