Page 45 of Between Here and There

When I return with the glass, Bon’s already back to adjusting her dress, humming softly to herself. I hand her the water, and she takes a sip, her eyes sparkling with excitement.

“Everything okay for after the wedding?” I ask.

“Yeah,” she replies, setting the glass down on the nearby table. “Ryan says he has it all planned out, which is good, because I can’t be bothered to do all that meticulous planning.” She laughs lightly, but there’s a fondness in her tone whenever she talks about him that I’ve grown used to hearing.

She starts fiddling with the hem of her dress, smoothing out invisible wrinkles. “We’re starting to pack our stuff for the new house, too,” she adds, almost absentmindedly.

Bon and Ryan’s new house is just a few streets away from here. They had it constructed right after their engagement—a picture-perfect two-story home with a garden Bon is already imagining filling with sunflowers. She talks about it like it’s her dream come true, and I believe it is.

Bon never had responsibilities outside of herself. I don’t mean that in a bad way, I’m sure she’s had her own struggles, but she grew up with a kind of freedom I’ve only ever dreamed about—her choices were always her own. She never had to think about a sibling’s tuition fees, her mother’s medicine, or making sure the electricity wouldn’t get cut off by the end of the month. And I’m happy for her, I really am. She deserves every bit of this life she’s building, every bit of joy she’s found. But as much as I celebrate for her, there’s a not-so-quiet ache in my chest that I can’t ignore.

Because I’ve always been the opposite. My life has been measured in trade-offs, in careful calculations, in sacrifices so ingrained they don’t even feel like sacrifices anymore—just habits. I think twice before I buy new shoes, not because I don’t want them, but because my money is always better spent on something else. A savings account for emergencies. A grocery bill that can stretch a little further. A sibling’s dream that I can help fund, even if it means pushing mine to the side.

I glance at Bon, now turning to the mirror to fix her hair. She’s radiant, glowing in a way that makes me wonder if I’ll ever feel that kind of lightness. That kind of certainty that the world is yours for the taking.

It’s not jealousy. It’s not bitterness. It’s just... longing. For a moment where I don’t have to be so careful. Where I can choose something just because I want it, not because it’s the logical, responsible thing to do.

“You okay?” she asks suddenly, catching my reflection in the mirror. Her brow furrows slightly, and she tilts her head, her voice softer now. “You seem a little... I don’t know, distracted.”

I force a smile and shrug, trying to shake off the heaviness in my chest. “Yeah, just thinking about how grown-up you sound, talking about packing and houses and all that.”

She laughs, a genuine, belly-deep laugh that fills the room. “Don’t be fooled. Ryan’s doing most of the packing. I’m just pointing at boxes and telling him where to put them.”

“Well,” I say, “just let me know if you need help. I’m pretty good at pointing at boxes, too.”

She grins at me, her eyes sparkling again. “Deal.”

And just like that, the weight in my chest feels a little lighter. Bon doesn’t know it, but she’s always been my reminder that there’s more to life than responsibility. That maybe someday I can have my own version of what she’s found. Something good. Something mine.

“You know, I’ve always dreamed about this day,” Bon says after a while.

“I know. I was there for all those dreams,” I tease, leaning against the bedpost. “I’ve heard every detail at least a hundred times.”

Bon chuckles. “Exactly. And you know how we used to imagine big, extravagant weddings? You remember the ten-layer cake, the chandeliers, the over-the-top fireworks? At first, Ryan and I actually planned on doing something like that.”

I nod, vividly recalling the late-night chats where we’d envisioned her walking down an aisle lined with petals, the reception a grand affair fit for royalty. She and I had always thought bigger was better, and Bon was supposed to have the most spectacular wedding imaginable.

But now, she plops onto her bed, her eyes suddenly more sincere than I’ve ever seen them, as if she’s peeling back layers of her heart.

“But with Ryan…” She trails off, her voice soft but steady. “All of that just doesn’t matter anymore.” She smiles. “I’m not saying I lost my standards, of course,” she says. “I’m saying that the day itself isn’t the point. I just want it to be over with. I want to get married to the love of my life, go on trips, have fun, and just…betogether.”

I sit beside her on the bed, placing a hand on her arm. “That’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? Being with the person who makes it all worth it.” I want so badly to be honest with her right now. To tell her that I’m faking it. That even when I know it’s fake, it’s making me feel things. She’s always been the person I share these things with, and it sucks that I can’t do it. It’s not just me on the line, after all.

“I really hope Kuya is that person for you, and vice versa,” Bon continues. Dammit. “At first, I was weirded out, I didn’t want to believe it. But seeing you both, especially after seeing the way you look at each other, I can’t help but feel happy for you.”

She’s seeing something that even I don’t fully understand. I want to deny it, brush it off as part of the act, but a part of me knows she’s right. Joshuadoeslook at me differently. And, to be honest, I’ve noticed it. I’ve felt it. There’s something there—this undeniable attraction between us—but what’s the point of acknowledging it when we both know it’s temporary?

“Thanks,” I manage to say.

Bon stands up and continues to finish off her dress. After a few minutes of silence, she says, “Just promise me one thing, though,”

“Hmm?” I ask, looking up to her.

“Don’t overthink it,” she says. “Things will happen and you won’t understand them, and that’s okay. Just… let them happen, you owe it to yourself.”

I blink, caught off guard by her words. “Let them happen?” I echo, feeling the weight of what she’s saying settle in my chest. It sounds so simple when she says it, like letting go is the easiest thing in the world. But I’ve never been good at that. I’m the one who tries to have everything figured out, who likes control. And this, whatever this is between Joshua and me, feels completely out of my control.

Bon tilts her head, a knowing smile tugging at her lips. “Yes. You’ve spent so long being careful, Em. Trying to do everything right, trying to control every little thing. But life isn’t like that. Sometimes, you just have to let yourselffeel.”

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