Page 28 of Not In Love

“No,” Mona said, voice thick. “Leaning on us doesn’t make you weak, Kash. It makes you human.”

Kash blinked down at her drink. The ache in her chest pulsed hard and hot. “I think I just… forgot how to ask for help,” she said. “Somewhere along the way, I started believing I had to be strong all the time. That if I wasn’t perfect, everything would fall apart.”

There was a long pause. The ocean sighed against the shore like it understood something none of them were saying.

Then Mona stood and walked the two steps to Kash’s lounger, crouched beside her, and pulled her into a hug. Chaaru joined them a beat later, folding in on the other side.

“I do need you both,” Kash whispered, throat tight. “I’m sorry it took me this long to say it.”

Mona sniffled. “You’re an idiot, but we love you.”

“I love you too,” Kash said, voice cracking just a little.

They stayed like that for a moment, arms tangled, the breeze pressing warm against their shoulders.

Mona sat back with a determined nod. “We’re coming to Portland next month. I don’t care what your calendar says. You’re not getting rid of us.”

Kash huffed out a laugh. “I… I’d like that.”

Chaaru was quiet for a moment, toying with the straw in her drink. Then, glancing at Kash almost apologetically, she said, “I know you’re this badass department head for cardiology, but I’ve found doctors are the worst at taking care of themselves. Have you got your hormone levels checked after turning forty?”

Shame streaked her cheeks as Kash shook her head. “No. It’s on my list.”

Mona sighed loud enough that the waves swept back.

“Unlike you old geezers, I’m only forty-one,” Kash said, infusing humor into her words. Even as shame pooled in her chest. She had completely ignored her health on multiple fronts.

“Watch it, babe,” Mona said, giving in. “I can still beat you up. And next time you lecture me about heart health, I’m going to pull your hair out.”

Smiling, Chaaru traced the back of Kash’s hand. “It is very possible that fluctuating hormones wrecked you even more, you know. Made you feel isolated from everyone around. Fatigue, both physical and emotional, lethargy, anger, hair loss, irritation... perimenopause is really a buffet of unwelcome gifts.”

“Is heightened libido one of them?” Kash asked, tongue in cheek.

“That too,” they both added at the same time with what could only be called saucy grins.

“I think it’s also a kind of freedom, you know, too few fucks to give. And that urgency that if you don’t get good sex now, your time is up soon,” Mona added drily.

“Thanks,” Kash added, the word full of snark.

“What she means is both of us have been through the wringer after turning forty.” Chaaru’s voice turned firm. “Will you promise to get yourself checked out? Or I’ll harass you about it three times a day.”

Kash nodded. “I will, I promise. This trip has been an eye-opener in multiple ways.”

“And…” Mona started, with all the tenacity of a pit-bull, “how do you feel about Diego?”

Kash inhaled slowly, her shoulders tight again. “I don’t know,” she said. “It was one night. A mistake in the rational sense.”

“But?”

“But I don’t regret it at all. Somehow, he saw past my front.” She stared at the horizon, her voice dropping. “The thing is I’ve been ghastly to him. When all he’s shown me is kindness.”

Chaaru reached for her hand, quiet understanding in her eyes.

Mona said, “Cut yourself some slack, Kash. There’s a lot of history there, yeah? And you haven’t had the luxury of being able to lean on anyone all your life.”

Chaaru nodded. “Sounds like he’s a more than decent guy. If he saw that you were struggling and cared enough to help.”

They sat in silence for a few heartbeats, the surf licking the shore in a rhythm that felt steadier than Kash’s thoughts.

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