Page 9 of Hold Me for Now

We shuffle ourselves until I have my head on one pillow and T has the other. This is such an intimate position, lying here with no choice but to stare into T’s eyes, which are fixed on me, intense and unblinking. A strange kind of shyness settles over me, prickling at my skin. I carefully tuck the sheet under my arm, making sure it covers my chest. T mirrors me, pulling the blanket up as well.

“Good. Good,” calls out Dr. D. “Now, without looking away I want you to take turns telling the other person one sexual act you would like performed on you. Please be as detailed, as explicit, as possible.”

T’s eyes widen at that, at the same time that my stomach drops. I’m not good at this, at articulating my thoughts, especially when it comes to something so vulnerable.

“Well?” prompts Dr. D after a beat of drawn-out silence.

Nothing from us. We’re playing a silent game of chicken, daring the other to go first with our eyes.

Dr. D lets out an exasperated sigh. “T. Why don’t you start?”

T opens his mouth like he wants to protest, but he snaps it shut. His eyes dart away, and he stutters out, “Uh…I like it when I—I’m,” he winces, squishing his face together. Then, super-fast, he rushes out, “on the bottom.”

“Yes,” says Dr. D patiently. “Tell us some more. Why, exactly, do you enjoy that?”

T grimaces, like this conversation is causing him physical pain. “I don’t know. I just do.”

“There’s always a reason. Look deeper,” says Dr. D.

I have to give the doctor credit. He’s persistent, not falling for T’s stonewalling.

T bites his lip. “I guess it’s because I’m tired of being in charge. Of always having to think ahead, take control.” He looks at me, his expression earnest. “It’s not that I’m lazy. I won’t lie there and make you do all the work. It’s just that sometimes I want to shut my brain off. Let someone else take the lead. That way, I don’t have to overthink every movement. I don’t have to wonder if I’m going too fast, too slow, too hard, too soft. It takes the pressure off.” He hesitates. “Does that make sense?”

I nod, a smile pulling at the corners of my lips.

T notices. “What? Is that funny?” His jaw tenses like he’s bracing for judgment.

A tiny giggle escapes. “It’s only funny because Iloveto be on top. I was going to say that asmyanswer.”

“No way! You do?” His face brightens, splits into a brilliant smile, then slowly fades. “Or are you just saying that so you don’t have to come up with something original?” he asks, his voice heavy with suspicion.

I roll my eyes, annoyed he’s not taking my word for it. “Really? You think I’d lie aboutthat?”

T drops his gaze. A guilty flush climbs his neck as he mumbles, “Sorry.”

“Please elaborate, K,” breaks in Dr. D. I look at the mirror, almost expecting to see him, but only my reflection stares back. “Why do you prefer that position over others?”

“Well, I like it for all the same reasons you don’t,” I tell T. “Iwant to be in charge. That way no one can hurt me. No one can go too hard or too fast. See? Like you, but the opposite.”

A shadow moves over T’s face. “Why would you be hurt? It’s sex. You shouldn’t worry about that.”

For a minute, I want to snap at him, tell him to stop being so ignorant. Of course you can be hurt during sex. You can be hurt any time you open up to another person. Not everyone is gentle. Not every touch feels good. Experience has taught me that lesson, many times over.

I don’t tell him any of that. It’s too personal to share with this stranger, even if I did just have him inside me. Instead, I pull the covers higher, up to my neck. “I like thatIget to make the call, that’s all.”

T watches me for a long moment, like he’s searching for something just out of reach.

“Great,” Dr. D says, his voice bright, almost cheerful. “Since you’re both in agreement, let’s go ahead and try that position.”

I tense, my fingers tightening on the sheets.

“But this time,” he continues, “I want to hear you communicate. No holding back. No worrying that you’re being too demanding. I want full honesty.”

T shifts beside me. “Like…out loud?”

Dr. D chuckles. “Yes, out loud.” A pause. “I need to hear exactly what you want. Every detail. Every command.”

A shiver of dread runs through me. I’m not sure I can do this. Having sex with a stranger is one thing. Having totalkmy way through it is another.

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