Page 13 of Hold Me for Now

Chapter nine

Dr.Dchoosesthismoment to intervene. “I’d like you to resume intercourse now,” he says in his stiff, formal way. I picture him as old, with bushy white eyebrows and thick black glasses. “T, continue to stimulate her clitoris while you have sex. K said in her survey that she rarely comes without it.”

It shouldn’t be embarrassing that the doctor revealed that intimate detail, especially since T’s literally buried inside me, yet somehow…it is. I stiffen, my thoughts elsewhere. I’m barely aware that T is still with me, not until he presses his lips to my back and asks, “You ready?”

He waits for me to nod, then wraps his arm back around me. His fingers find my clit easily this time, like he’s learning my body. He circles soft, then hard, then soft again.

It takes a few minutes for me to calm down enough to enjoy it, to let the pleasure radiate from his touch to the rest of my body, but he doesn’t stop or complain. He stays at it, steadfast. Stroking, rubbing, until my arousal slickens his hand and his cock.

He finally starts to move his hips. Long slow draws out and quick hard shoves in. Hand on my clit. Cock in my pussy. I can feel when he gets out of his head enough to focus on his own pleasure. He groans, panting, loses the controlled way he was fucking me and moves into a more frantic, irregular rhythm.

“Oh, fuck,” he grits out, breathing hard. “You feel so fucking good. This is it—it’s going to work.”

I push back against him, matching his movements, urging him on with the motion of my hips. “Yes, yes,” I chant. “It’s going to work.” There it is again, that coiling sensation. The rising tension of an impending orgasm. My toes curl, my legs and arms shake. I cry out, “Faster!”

He obliges, rapidly picking up his speed. “Come on, K. You can do it.”

Usually, during sex, I think about the guy. Wonder if he’s enjoying himself and attempt to figure out the best way to get him off. Not this time. This time I’m selfish. I narrow my focus to the sensation of T’s skin on mine. Of his dick filling up my needy pussy. The tension in my body heightens to the point that it’s almost painful. My arms shake from holding myself up. My back spasms. Pleasure grows deep in my low stomach. It rises and rises and rises and then…I lose it. That sensation of bliss. It escapes from my grasp like a balloon handed to a toddler. I can almost see it float away from me.

T loses it at the same time. He stutters, slows down, and swears a muttered curse.

I collapse forward, pulling myself off T’s cock in the process, and break my only rule. I burst into tears. Heartbroken by my failure and ashamed of my weakness, I bury my head in the pillow to hide.

T’s there immediately. He pulls me out and drags me around so I’m on my back. He runs his hands over me, babbling, “Oh my God, K. Are you okay? Did I hurt you? Did something happen? Fuck. I should’ve slowed down, been gentler. I’m so sorry. I just wanted to get you there. I thought you were liking it.” His voice hitches, breaks, like he’s on the verge of tears as well.

“I’m sorry. I fucked up.”

He buries his head in my chest, and I wrap my arms around him. “No,” I sob, pulling him close. I’m ugly crying now, the kind with snot and puffy eyes where you end up congested for the rest of the day.

“It’s not your fault. It’s mine.I’mthe screw-up.”

T lifts his head, his eyes shiny. “No, you’renot,” he says fiercely, his mouth drawn. “You arenota screw-up. I don’t want to hear you say that ever again!”

“I am, though,” I argue, hiccupping on my tears, choking on them, drowning as the enormity of my loss hits me. “I’m never going to have a normal sex life. Never going to know what it feels like to come in someone’s arms. I’m a fuck-up. Who will ever want me? Someone broken like me?”

Tenderly, with the pad of his thumb, T brushes away my tears. He kisses them away. “That’s not true. You’re not broken. You’re beautiful and strong.”

I whip my head from side to side, shaking it. “No. I’m not. I’m weak and boring and stupid. So dumb to have gotten my hopes up. To believe something this deranged might actually work.”

“Hey, now,” he chides. “We’re not giving up yet. There’s still hope.”

My lower lip juts out. Eyes bleary with tears, I stubbornly tell him, “There’snot. We tried, and we failed. It’s probably all my fault. Maybe if you were paired with someone better, you would’ve had a chance. Sorry you got stuck with me.” I squeeze my eyes shut, unable to look at him.

T kisses my closed eyelids. He chases my tears with his tongue and lips. “There’s no one else. No one I’d rather be here with than you, K. I was so fucking scared when I walked in here. Seriously, I was one minute away from chickening out, calling the entire thing off. Do you know what made me change my mind?”

“No,” I say, still crying. “I have no idea.”

“You,” T says simply, like I’m the answer to every question. “I saw you when I walked through that door, and all I could think was, ‘wow.’ You’re so gorgeous. Totally out of my league. When you started to talk, I saw that not only are you beautiful, but you’re also whip smart. You’re feisty and brave and I thought that even though I’m a wimp, you’re not, so I knew we’d be okay. That no matter how this turns out, I’ve already won because I got to meet you and then to be able to do this with you, to make love to you?” His voice goes high, incredulous, as he stares down at me and completes his thought, “Well, that’s just icing on the cake. Especially for a guy like me, who is used to being a disappointment.” He looks away, his throat working.

“Hey,” I say, trying to get his attention back. “You’re never a disappointment to me, even if this doesn’t work. Okay?”

A sorrowful nod from him.

“Ugh!” I clap my hands over my eyes. “Butwhyisn’t it working? I don’t understand. Why can’t we do it?” I ask, pleading, as tears rain down my cheeks.

T stares down at me, sadness in the droop of his head, like it’s too heavy. His shoulders sag, and his breath stutters. “I don’t know. Just—please don’t cry. You’re breaking my fucking heart.”

His voice is rough, almost desperate. “Tell me what to do. What can I do to make this better?”

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