Page 38 of Rebel in the Deep

I have no right to respond to that. Something I am aware of even as I open my mouth to speak. “Just because we were young doesn’t mean those emotions were false. I loved you with everything I had. My fear of my family cutting me off was just greater. I’ll never stop apologizing for that.”

They give a faint chuckle. “Bastian, please. You just saved the lives of myself and my crew with magic that defies comprehension. I don’t think there’s anything left to apologize for.”

As tempting as it is to leave it at that, I can’t. It wouldn’t be right. They’re trying to let me off the hook, but I don’t deserve it. “That is not the same, and you know it. I may have learned a lot in the intervening years, may have grown up as much as the rest of us seemed to, but I didn’t save your crew because I feel bad for what happened with us. I did it because it’s the right thing to do. It was the only way any of us had a chance of surviving.”

“I know.” They smile sadly. “But the fact that you’ve put up with my…messy emotions? That speaks volumes. Maybe I was too quick to cut you out of any future I might have.”

They make such massive jumps that I have a difficult time following them. “Are you saying…”

“They’re saying they still want you, Bastian.” Siobhan appears in the doorway to the bathroom wearing nothing but a long shirt that had to have come from a different closet thanNox’s. The only person I can imagine it fitting is Bowen, and I don’t like the thread of jealousy that spears me in response to that thought. It’s absolutely illogical in every way, shape, and form.

Nox gives that raspy laugh again. “Correction, darling. I’m saying I want you both. It’s complicated.”

Chapter19

Nox

In the days that followmy ill-advised proclamation, both Bastian and Siobhan move carefully around me as if attempting to cage a wild animal. They’re not wrong to do so. I still don’t know how to feel, how to handle my pride battling with my desire. I want to blame my reckless words on being woozy from overusing magic again. The truth is significantly less convenient.

Idostill care about Bastian. My friendship with Siobhan has always had the potential to deepen. And that scares the shit out of me. I know the cost of loving someone whose future isn’t their own; for better or worse, Bastian ensured I learned that lesson the hard way. He may have shucked some of the hold his family had on him, but he replaced it with the rebellion. Siobhan is the damned leader of the rebellion. I will never come first for either of them, no matter the circumstances.

Maybe I could live with knowing that, could find a way tonavigate those treacherous waters now that we’re all in our thirties instead of barely more than children.

But we don’t have any kind of assurance of a future, let alone a future with the time to indulge in personal relationships. I could die. Worse,theycould die. It would hurt me now to lose them. If I let them any closer?

It might destroy me.

The crew is more and more on edge with each day that passes as we journey toward Three Sisters. I don’t have the words to reassure them. Every moment that we sail north and east and north again, we’re all on high alert for crimson sails on the horizon, every person working their ass off to keep us afloat in the storm. Bastian’s glamour faded away when his concentration did, but the storm would have helped confuse things. With any luck, Morrigan and the others are still out there, sure that their prey is just out of sight. But I know better than to wager our success on luck alone.

The Three Sisters are a trio of islands at the very end of the north–south trade route. I never like coming here. It reminds me far too much of Lyari. Only Mairi on Second Sister is a true urban sprawl. Third Sister is the smallest of the trio, and only a few hardy souls live out there on the windswept rocks. First Sister, on the other hand, desperately wants to be something it’s not. Its capital city, Kanghri, seems like it’s filled with all the undesirables from its sister city, Mairi. The people of Kanghri are forced to crouch on one side of the narrow straight and watch the glittering, glowing city that they’ll never be welcomed into. It sets the stage for resentment and hatred, which means it’s only a matter of time before the Three Sisters go to war with themselves.

If I had any choice, I never would have come here. The trade route is heavily patrolled by the Cwn Annwn. The only reason I can figure out that we haven’t seen any since our desperate flight from the storm is because we came in at an angled approach that didn’t bring us past any ports. But that will change. Sailing into the bay is a huge risk, far too much for me to agree to.

Eyal stands next to me as always, his expression a perpetual frown these days. “What angle of approach do you want to take?”

“We can’t risk using any of the official ports.” I recognize the stubborn look on his face, but cling to my patience with both hands. “It’s the only way, Eyal. We’ll anchor the ship just offshore of First Sister, and two small teams will take a pair of boats in—one to find Dia and one to resupply. I know the crew needs a break and could use some time ashore, but it’s not safe for us to disperse. We need to be able to run at a moment’s notice.”

If I could have risked it, I would have turned south the moment we were clear of pursuit, but I left the old woman in Kanghri, so that’s where we need to look for her. The more time we spend running, the greater the opportunity the Cwn Annwn have to create a net to trap us. If the horn truly is the way to end this war before it properly starts, then we can’t waste any time doing exactly that.

“Yes, I’m aware.” Eyal waves my explanation away. “The part of the plan I’m getting stuck on is where we anchor in a shallow surf with violent currents. We’ll either be washed ashore or thrown upon the reef. Neither option does much for our chances of survival.”

I haven’t had what the spoiled nobles in the capital citywould call an easy life. I’ve fought from the moment I first drew breath, and never more so than once I realized how unfair this world really is. With all that said, the last few days have been some of the most exhausting I’ve experienced. It’s so challenging to pull forth a charming smile and inject cheer into my weary tone. “Come now, Eyal. Maybe that would be true of other ships, but this is theAudacity, with you as the navigator and Poet as quartermaster. I have no doubt that you will make easy work of it.”

He’s used to my shenanigans, so he’s not convinced. I didn’t truly expect him to be. He props his hands on his hips and gives me a long look. “Coming in through Third Sister would be safer. Those beaches are significantly less dangerous, and the island is all but uninhabited.”

“That’s true, but Third Sister means we have to travel through the bulk of First Sister to get to Kanghri—which makes a quick getaway all but impossible.” I shrug, tension riding high in my shoulders. “I don’t like this, either. With any luck, we’ll be in and out of Kanghri within a few hours, with theCrimson Hag’s old navigator in tow. I just need you to hold steady until then.”

Eyal nods. “Be quick, then. Otherwise, you’ll only have wreckage to return to.”

“Dramatic to the bitter end, aren’t we?” My smile fades away. “We’ll see each other through this. I promise.”

“Don’t go making promises you can’t have any hope of keeping.” He narrows his eyes. “Who are you taking with your team?”

That’s the question, isn’t it? There’s absolutely no chance of taking Siobhan and Bastian with me. Bastian was just picked up from Mairi a relatively short time ago, and there’s enoughcrossover between the two cities that it’s too large a risk. The Cwn Annwn have a habit of putting out notices to ensure that the civilian population does the dirty work of tracking down their targets. At least when those targets are of the humanoid variety.

Monsters are easy enough to find.

“I’m inclined to leave Lizzie here with you.” It will do double duty of ensuring Maeve stays safe, which will please the vampire, and protecting the ship. Lizzie can hold off a small army on her own if she’s not holding back—or at least a small army of people with limited magic. When it comes to Morrigan and the heavy hitters on her ship, even the vampire would only last ten minutes at the very most. But ten minutes is a small eternity in a battle, which makes her invaluable. “Dia knows Bowen and Evelyn, so I’ll likely take them with me and leave everyone else. We’ll move faster with just three.”

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