Page 30 of Rebel in the Deep

“Hmm.”

I lower my gaze and freeze. No one can sneak up on me, but Nox has shifted to stand directly before me. It’s only when I note that they’re taller than normal that I realize they’re using air to raise themself above the deck. Truly, their control is staggering. It leaves me breathless. “Nox,” I finally manage, voice choked.

“Do you think about sleeping with me, Siobhan?” Their voice has gone low, sultry with just a hint of growl. “Or more accurately,notsleeping? If I had you in my bed, I wouldn’t waste time being unconscious.”

My jaw works, but it’s as if I haven’t spoken a single word in my life. “Wha—”

“I have thought about it, you know—you and I. How could I not? But you’re right,” they say softly. “Itwouldbe cruel. And while I may be accused of many things, I’m not unfair with my bed partners. Not even him. Certainly not you.”

They pivoted too quickly. I’m still scrambling to keep up. “You don’t evenlikeme that much.”

“Darling, sex has little to do with liking as long as there’ssome mutual respect and a dash of trust.” Their smile is so wicked, it makes my knees shake. “You’re a big, strong woman with muscles I’d like to sink my teeth into. You’re also honorable enough to make me want to strangle you on a regular basis. Of course I want you.”

I am no blushing maiden, unused to frank propositions, but this isn’t…right. Nox and I have spent a lot of time together over the years, and they’ve never come on to me, let alone come on this strong. I reluctantly take a step back, and then another. “You’d use me to hurt him.”

Their smile falls away slowly enough that I suspect it was real, rather than a mask. “I’d use you—if you want to call it that—for pleasure through my last days in this realm. If it stung him in the process, it makes no difference to me.”

Instead of reassuring me, their words just prove my suspicion correct. “That’s the first time you’ve lied to me.”

Nox turns away, changing the subject. “We’ll barely make it to First Sister with our current supplies. Before you came aboard, we hadn’t planned on a prolonged escape, and my crew is running through resources faster than anticipated. It’s vital that Morrigan has no idea where we’re headed.”

I don’t argue that we don’t have time to resupply. Magic has a cost. Burnout is a risk for anyone with even a drop of magic in their blood, but there are different risks depending on the flavor of magic. Elemental users, in particular, are prone to magical burnout. There’s something about the way they wrestle the very elements into submission that burns their physical resources first. It’s incredibly dangerous, but once an elemental user is experienced, there are ways to prolong their usage and hold off burnout by ingesting food and water in increasedquantities. “I’ll find Dia when we arrive, and the crew can resupply.”

“I don’t need your permission to do so.”

I sigh. “Nox, you’re swinging wildly from one thing to another. I realize having Bastian on board isn’t ideal because of your history, but you know damn well that I value your crew and want them taken care of as well.” I step into them, close enough that they have to crane their neck to meet my gaze. “And if I come to your bed, it will be because you wantme. Not because you want to hurthim.”

They lick their lips. “Why not both?”

“That’s not good enough for me.” I hadn’t realized I’d draw this line in the sand until I said it. Bastian and I tend to be monogamous as such things go. Even when we’re fighting, it’s always been us against the world. I won’t touch Nox without talking about it with Bastian first, and probably not even then. Not when doing so would hurt him. It feels cruel, and while I know Nox can be cruel, this is their pain talking. “I don’t do things halfway, Nox. It’s all or nothing.” I don’t know how to hold things—or people—lightly. I never have.

They study my face for several beats and finally nod. “Then it’s nothing. Now go. I have things to do.”

Disappointment sours on my tongue, but did I really expect anything different? I refuse to think too closely about it as I turn and walk away. We have bigger things to deal with than my confused heart.

I just…I didn’t expect any of this.

Chapter14

Nox

After several days of ensuringthat we are moving at as quick a pace as possible, I finally crash. Truth be told, I should have left theAudacityin Poet’s tender care after the first day when Morrigan didn’t appear. But I’m nothing if not a control freak, and so I wanted to ensure that we put as much distance between us and Siobhan’s sister as possible. My crew is full of capable people who are the best at what they do, but I refuse to ask anything of them that I won’t do myself.

And it’s entirely possible that I’m an arrogant asshole in addition to being a control freak.

I shut myself away in my cabin and barely take the time to shower before collapsing face-first into my bed. I’ve never had a problem with sleeping, but this evening it eludes me despite my best efforts. I can’t help thinking about Siobhan, about the tension between us. It’s always been there, unacknowledged, but if I’ve been a fool in love before, I have no intention of being one again. Or at least I didn’t. Falling for the leader of a secretrebellion whom I can see only once every season or so is a recipe for a broken heart, and so I refused to allow myself to even dream.

But now she’s on my ship. And somehow the flawed, human version of Siobhan is even more attractive than the caricature of her that I had put on a pedestal. She’s not perfect, and that’s fucking irresistible to me.

And, if I’m being honest with myself, with not a single person to witness except the shadows of my room, I can admit that the feelings for Bastian haven’t dissipated. It feels particularly pathetic to be pining after a man who left me in the dust so long ago. But if my perception of Siobhan has changed, I can’t quite ignore that my perception of Bastian is in danger of shifting as well.

At eighteen, at twenty-one, he was reckless to a fault. It thrilled me even as I feared for him, and when you’re that age, fear and thrill are practically the same thing. Now, though? Now he’s grown up. I don’t know why that surprises me. I’m hardly the same person I was all those years ago. But the Bastian in my head was caught outside of time, unable to change or evolve or grow up. Even though I’ve been avoiding him since he came aboard, I can’t ignore the fact that hehaschanged. And I don’t know what to do with that.

I’m still mulling over the problem as I slip into sleep’s sweet embrace.

Only to be woken what feels like fifteen seconds later by Poet’s tense voice. “Captain, we need you.” She doesn’t say anything else, but she doesn’t need to. There’s no point in wasting breath when we have a wealth of shared experience between us. There’s only one reason for her to have woken me up.

Trouble.

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