Page 27 of Rebel in the Deep

“Oh.”

I open my eyes to find him visibly deflating, his excitement draining away. Ihatethat I want to draw back my sharp words, to find a way to soften them. I take great pains to shield the worst of myself from people. Partly because captains who rule by fear are only captains until someone comes along who’s brave enough to slit their throat. Partly because it’s just…easier.

But Bastian knew me before I learned those lessons. So of course he draws out the ugly bits I’d rather keep hidden. I sigh. “Why are you so excited about a horn?”

“Horns and hunts.” He doesn’t quite vibrate in enthusiasm, but it’s a near thing. “You asked us how to call the Wild Hunt.We don’t have a Wild Hunt in our histories, but plenty of realms do—and in a lot of them, the Cwn Annwn are involved.”

“Yes, I’m aware.” I barely have a memory of waking up to slur out the question Bowen posed to me last night. “But what you seem to be suggesting is that we sail to Lyari, break into the library, bypass the nasty magical traps that are no doubt around that horn, and…blow it? Just to see?”

He wilts a little more. “When you put it like that, it doesn’t sound like a particularly good idea.”

My headache makes me want to snap at him, but damn it, that’s not entirely fair. I rub my temples harder. Orchid is going to berate me for pushing myself too far, but if I let him lecture me until he runs out of steam, he might brew me one of his potions to combat the headache so I canthink. “Whydo you think it’s a good idea?”

“Siobhan isn’t wrong,” he says soberly. “A war will have great cost. I still think the cost is worth it for freedom, but if there’s another way, we need to try it. No matter what she believes—what you believe—of me, I don’t want any unnecessary loss of life. If there’s a way to direct the Wild Hunt, we could potentially have the originals on our side. That’s the kind of thing that turns the tide of a war.”

At this point, I can’t shy away from any potential options. “It’s something to look into, I suppose.” We don’t have much in the way of better plans right now, but if we’re trying to stay one step ahead of Morrigan and the rest of the Cwn Annwn’s fleet, sailing right into the heart of them will get us all killed.

“Nox.”

The seriousness in his tone makes me look up despite mydetermination not to. Gods, he’s even more beautiful now than he was when we were barely more than kids. Suffering and hardship leave a mark on people, and usually it’s an unfortunate one, but there’s something about the new lines branching off from his eyes that speak of a maturity he didn’t have when I was foolish enough to love him. He’s grown up.

We both have.

That should mean the spark that flared to life between us as teenagers, meeting in secret and dreaming of a life spent together, is gone. We’re not the same people we were fourteen years ago. I don’t even recognize that naive child any longer, for all that I was forced to grow up fast to stay alive. The truth is that trauma is no substitute for actual life lived. Some lessons can only be taught through decades.

Obviously I haven’t learned my lesson when it comes to this man, though. Not if I still feel the tug under my ribs whenever I look at him. “What?”

Once he’s sure he has my full attention, he quietly says, “You know that every time you burn out magically, you risk it being the last. And even if it’s not, you risk permanently diminishing your magical reserves.”

Guilt lashes me, so fierce that it steals my breath. I worried him, which means I worriedeveryone. “I’m aware.” It’s still worth the cost. My crew are fucking exhausted, and there doesn’t promise to be relief on the horizon. We made a clean getaway from Morrigan, but it took too long for me to remember the desk. At any moment, we could be running for our lives again. Better that I be laid out, risking my deep reserves, than one of them experience the same thing.

“Your crew needs you.Weneed you.” He leans forward suddenly, not near enough to touch, not by a long shot, but close enough that it would take little effort to mirror his movements, to bring our faces close, to…

I shake my head—and then immediately regret the motion when my headache blooms in response. “I. Am. Aware.” I shove to my feet, only wobbling a little. “I don’t need a lecture from you, Bastian. I’ll talk to the crew and apologize for worrying them, but I don’t answer to you. Not anymore.”

“Nox.”

I stop in the process of turning to the door and look down at him. “What?” It’s absolutely absurd that he can still hurt me with just a look in his deep brown eyes. I’m not the ignorant little fool I was when I followed him around with hearts in my eyes, dreaming of a future together. I’ve suffered in the time since, have sacrificed so much in order to do even a little good, have learned so many more important lessons at more ruthless hands than his.

For a horrible moment, I think he’s going to apologize again, that we’re going to go round and round and round and never escape the cycle of hurt and anger. Instead, he surprises me by saying, “You’re not alone. You weren’t even before Siobhan and I came aboard. You don’t have to be the one to shoulder it all. I know you care about your people and want to protect them, but hurting yourself hurts them.”

His words steal mine away. I can do nothing but stare at him until the door opens behind me. I feel Siobhan there, and a part of me hates that I can tell the difference between her and the others in my crew even without looking.

She shuts the door firmly. “You started without me.”

“We were just wrapping up.” Bastian sounds just as tired as I feel, and why not? He doesn’t look like he got much sleep last night, and he certainly wasn’t well rested while under Morrigan’s tender care.

I turn to Siobhan, but looking at her isn’t any easier than looking at Bastian. She’s so close that I can feel the warmth radiating from her strong body, that I have to crane my head back to meet her honey gaze, that my mind skips right to other activities we could be doing with a little less space between us.

It’s a testament to my shakiness that I’m thinking about kissing instead of the dozens of other more pressing issues. I take a careful step back. “I got my lecture, thank you very much. I’ll be a good captain in the future and not scare you poor folks.”

Her lips thin with displeasure. “Don’t patronize me.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it, darling.” I have no real defense against these two, so I lean hard on the mask that protects me—or at least has historically. The rakish captain, humor and flirtation as a wall no one can climb to get to the real me. I’m just…not so certain it will do the trick now.

Sure enough, Siobhan doesn’t move from where she blocks my exit. “We have perhaps a day’s lead on Morrigan, and that won’t hold indefinitely. Eventually evenyourcrew will tire.”

I thought as much earlier, but I can’t help bristling at the implication that I wouldeverput my crew in unnecessary danger. “I’m aware. Which is why I already spoke with Poet about how to structure the shifts to keep everyone safe. You letmeworry aboutmycrew.” I jerk a thumb over my shoulder. “Or are you ready to chase a wild hare like Bastian here, and want me to sail to Lyari to blow a damn horn?”

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