Page 61 of Going Home in the Dark

“Iadoredthe way you looked before.”

To Rebecca, Gia said, “They’re sweet but impossible.”

“They’re not completely impossible,” Rebecca said. “They’re works in progress.”

With evident admiration, Gia said, “I gotta say, you’re a better friend than I could be.”

“They’re good friends, too,” Rebecca replied. “They’re the best. They just need a shot of Thorazine from time to time.”

As Gia went to the kitchen, Rebecca regarded her amigos with tenderness that they interpreted as pity, as confirmation that she was done with them. Some of them wanted to cry, but to protect their dignity, the names of those who were near tears won’t be revealed, though it was all of them.

“Do you remember, I told you I always must be treated as one of the guys?”

They stared at her as if any response they could make would have disastrous consequences.

“Remember how you all agreed to that without hesitation?”

They weren’t deer on a highway, and there were no headlights aimed at them, but anyone seeing them at this moment would have thought of that same analogy.

“If you are unable to respond with words,” Rebecca said, “just nod in confirmation or shake your heads to disagree.”

They all nodded.

“Good. That’s great. Well, nothing has changed. I’m still one of the guys.”

With apparent reluctance, they shook their heads.

“Oh, yes I am. Nothing has changed. What has happened is that, in little more than two months of friendship, you have given me the courage to be who I am. I’m no longer afraid of dealing with those boys who used to come on to me as if I should fall on my back and let them do what they wanted.”

The deer in that analogy were suddenly red-faced as no real deer ever could be.

“Through your friendship, you’ve given me confidence. Because of the weird things we’ve experienced together, my spine has gone from jelly to steel. If I can stand up to Hornfly when he’s holding a severed head by the hair, I can stand up to anyone—especially with you at my side. And I give you strength, too. I know I do. Okay, I look different from how I did yesterday, but I’m still me. We all need to grow up, but we don’t need to grow apart. We’re amigos, and we always will be.”

Ernie was the first to find his voice. “But you’re not a nerd anymore. You’re not a nerd like we are.”

“Honey, don’t say such a hurtful thing. I am too a nerd. I’m a total nerd. Nerds come in all shapes and appearances. Nerdism is a state of mind, internal rather than external. Some people are nerds, but you’d never know it by just looking at them. They haveto start talking first and trying to share their interests with you, their opinions, their hopes.Thenyou know.”

Spencer was doubtful. “Appearance is part of it. Just look at Ernie and Bobby and me, and anyone will right away thinknerds.”

“It’s not the way you look,” Rebecca insisted. “It’s the way you dress, the way you comb or don’t comb your hair, the things you like and don’t like, the things you say. Nerdism is about wanting the right things—love, friendship, family, hope, peace, justice, happiness—but being clueless about how to get them.” Again, she made eye contact with her amigos, one at a time. “Being clueless about how to get them.But together we’relearninghow. We can’t do it alone. You can’t do it without me. I can’t do it without you. Together, and only together, we’ll get where we need to go. We’ll become the people we want to become.”

Unnoticed, Gia Adorno had arrived with four different flavors of fountain Cokes on a tray. She stood staring at Rebecca for a long moment. Then as she transferred the drinks from tray to table, she said, “This round is on the house.”

The amigos thanked her effusively if inarticulately. Although four free Cokes was a small thing, they were moved by the gesture.

Gia said, “In fact, tonight only, all drinks from this point are free.” Then she gently admonished, “But you’ll still have to pay for pizzas and everything else.”

When the waitress departed to attend to other customers, Bobby said, “Maybe we can do this.”

Rebecca waited for a moment and then pressed him. “Do what?”

“Still think of you as one of the guys.”

“And a nerd,” Spencer said.

“An amigo,” Ernie added.

Bobby consolidated it all. “A nerd amigo guy.”

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