Page 23 of The Love Haters

“Beanie!” I said. “That’s genius!”

She frowned. “Which part?”

“The culture-of-appreciation thing,” I said. “Turning the Gottmans on yourself.”

Beanie paused to think about it.

“They’re talking about relationships,” I said, “but you don’t just have relationships with other people. You have one with yourself, too.”

Beanie waited.

“I definitely have a relationship with myself. It’s judgmental and toxic, but it’s there.”

Beanie squinted to indicate she did not condone the toxicity.

“I mean, an abusive relationship with yourself is still a relationship, right?”

Beanie frowned. “I guess? Technically?”

“If I created a culture of appreciationwith myself, maybe I could make the relationship better. And maybe it could create that cushion of warmth and kindness they talk about. And then maybe things like having toannounce my weight to a room full of military superjocks who work out ninety minutes a daywould be a tiny bit easier.”

Beanie tried to arrange her face in a hopeful shape. “Sure! It’s worth a shot, right?”

This was just the tiny crumb of hope I needed. “I don’t have much time, though,” I said. “I should’ve thought of this a year ago.”

Beanie pointed through the phone. “No negative self-talk! You can’t rush life-changing insights!”

Next, she walked to her bookshelf and pulled down a dog-eared Gottman book. She paged through to the right spot and started rereading: “The main strategy is just to notice what your partner is getting right.” She peered at me, thinking. “Maybe you can just work on noticing whatyour bodyis getting right. Things you like about it. Youdohave some of those, right?”

Things I liked about my body? What an odd thought.

“I have a few, I guess,” I said.

Beanie looked doubtful. “What are they?”

I took a breath. “I like my earlobes,” I declared.

Beanie flared her nostrils. “Earlobes don’t count.”

But I took offense. “Yes, they do!” I brought the phone close to my ear and pulled an earlobe forward to show her. “Look at this little beauty! Look how soft and tender and velvety she is! And she’s the perfect shape: plump and pillow-like.” I pulled the camera back. “My earlobes,” I declared, “are what all other earlobes wish they could be.”

Beanie looked impressed. “Okay, then. That’s a start. I love this fangirl energy.” Then, like she was starting a list: “Earlobes, check. What else?”

But coming up with a second thing was harder. I frowned.

“That’s your entire list?Earlobes?”

“What’syourlist?” I challenged.

“It’s private,” Beanie said, standing up a little taller. “But it’s a hell of a lot better thanearlobes.”

“Tell me your list!” I demanded.

“No.”

“This is mean! Tell me!”

But Beanie had decided to use curiosity as a motivator. “Make your beauty list first,” she challenged. “Get ten things on it, and then I’ll tell you mine.”

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