Page 107 of The Love Haters

But then Beanie said, “This dude rejected you. So you have to un-reject yourself.”

“Fine,” I said.

“And don’t do anything weird this time. No armpits, ormolars, or whatever. Pick something normal.”

Something normal.

I studied myself in the phone. Finally, I declared: “Mouth.”

“Mouth!” Beanie said, throwing up her arms in victory. “Yes! I’ve beenwaitingformouth!”

I knew the drill. Now I had to tell her why. “It’s plump and kind of a nice heart shape. It’s a great color—a good shade of pink, even without lipstick.” Then, in defiance of whatever Hutch might think, I added: “It’s kissable.”

“It’s a million percent kissable!” Beanie shrieked. “Holy cow—this is personal growth for the hall of fame!”

“Isthere a personal growth hall of fame?” I asked, as I walked over to the bathroom mirror to double-check all the assessments I’d just made about my mouth.

Yes. Correct. Those were objectively kissable lips.

Infinitely kissable, dammit.

It really was the most incredible realization—and I felt it all the way from my brain down to my heart. I didn’t needa rescue swimmerto think I was beautiful.

I could do that for myself.

It was such a life-changing thought.

That longing to belooked at lovingly? That longing to be lovable…that’s really also so much about wanting to be valued, and seen, and connected, and safe, and just deeply, fundamentallyokay?

Maybe we didn’t have to outsource that.

Maybe we could fill that longing for ourselves.

And I’m not saying we don’t need other people, or that we should spend our lives alone.

I just suddenly understood in a whole new, sun-breaking-through-the-clouds way that even if we do eternally need and long and want to be seen… maybe the most important eyes doing the looking are our own.

“Beanie,” I said. “I think my whole understanding of how human life works just shifted.”

“About time,” Beanie said.

I explained my epiphany while Beanie nodded at me like she was epically impressed. “This is so much better than elbows—or whatever dumbass thing I thought you were going to say.”

“I guess I needed a breakthrough today.”

“You sure as hell did,” Beanie said.

This culture-of-appreciation thing was working. “I feel like the Gottmans would be proud,” I said.

“Wouldn’t they?”

Now my mind was racing. “Is this why I stayed with Lucas for so long? Because I thought I needed him to do this for me? Because I didn’t know I could do it for myself?”

“One hundred percent.”

“Beanie, you’re a genius,” I said.

“I totally am,” Beanie said. “And you’re a lot less of a dummy than you used to be.”

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