Page 34 of The Rom-Commers

“The job of a rom-com,” I said, “is to give you a simulated feeling of falling in love.”

Here Charlie blinked, and I found myself wondering if this might be news to him.

I went on. “A rom-com should give you a swoony, hopeful, delicious, rising feeling of anticipation as you look forward to the moment when the two leads, who are clearly mad for each other, finally overcome all their obstacles, both internal and external, and get together.”

Now I gave Charlie the stink eye.

“This is the first, most sacred rule of rom-coms,” I said, in a tone likeYou know what you did. “The leads wind up blissfully together in the end.” I paused for effect. “And you broke that rule when you made Claudette Colbert’s character marry the wrong guy.”

Charlie must have read my dramatic pause like I wanted an explanation. “It’s more interesting that way,” he said.

Ugh. The pomposity. “It may be ‘interesting.’ But it’s not a rom-com. And when you rewrite the greatest rom-com of all time,it needs to be a rom-com.”

Charlie considered that.

And here I weaponized my encyclopedic knowledge of Charlie’s body of work. “InThe Destroyers, did the aliens win? Did they turn Earth into a desiccated hellscape and eject the little orphan boy into a black hole just so you, the writer, could do something ‘interesting’?”

He didn’t have to answer. Of course they didn’t.

“Did the Navy SEALs inNight Raidgive up after the submarine sank and let themselves drown in a watery tomb? Did the sleuth inThe Maharajas’ Expresshunt down all those clues just to get to the end and say, ‘Huh. I’m stumped’? Did the protagonist ofLive and Let Killjust lose interest in solving his wife’s decapitation and lie down on the guillotine?”

Charlie was watching me.

“Of course not! You know this! All genres have a promise. The Destroyer will save the universe. The soldiers will win the final battle. The sleuth will solve the mystery. The hunted, grieving husband will figure it out just in the nick of time. I can’t believe I have to say this to you, butthe same is true for romantic comedies. The two leads will wind up together. That’s what the audience showed up for. The joy of it all. If you don’t give it to them, it’s beyond unsatisfying—it’s a violation of trust. It’s like sex with no orgasm! What was even the point?”

At that, I froze.

Did I just say the word “orgasm” to Charlie Yates?

Charlie looked like he was asking himself the same question.

But the point was valid. I decided to own it.

“A great rom-com,” I said, “is just like sex. If you’re surprised by the ending, somebody wasn’t doing their job. We all know where it’s headed. The fun is how we get there. Seriously—have you ever had fantastic sex that culminated in an epic orgasm and then said to yourself,God, that was so cliché. It should’ve had a different ending?”

Charlie tilted his head. “Do you want me to answer that question—or was it rhetorical?”

It was rhetorical, but I was so worked up, I said, “I want you to answer!”

Charlie gave a solemn nod as he conceded, “I have not.”

“Thank you! Exactly!”

Safe to say, this little tangent had not been in my notes. I had a million legitimate, academic points I could have led with, and yet here I was, just minutes in, asking—no,demanding—to know about Charlie Yates’s personal orgasms.

From Charlie’s expression, he hadn’t expected me to go there, either.

Though, if I’m honest, there was a brightness to his eyes like I’d surprised him.

The idea that I was seeing admiration from Charlie Yates gave me a fluttery feeling in my… everywhere.

I tamped it down. I had to stay focused. I wasn’t here to make friends.

But that’s when he picked up that pen of his and wrote, at the top of his notebook page, “Happy ending—essential.” And then drew a box around it. Like he’d heard me, and he agreed, and he was ready to move on to the next point.

I needed to move away from sex talk. That much was clear.

I consulted my notes.

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