Page 135 of Hello Stranger

Confirmed: Hope is the worst.

YOU KNOW THATsaying that people look like their pets? Parker slinked over to me like a human Sphynx cat, and I swear her pupils were vertical slits. “Aw,” she said, with delighted faux sympathy. “Did Daddy and Lucinda stand you up?”

“They weren’t invited,” I said. “And neither were you.”

Parker looked at my dress and said, “Are you headed to the prom?”

That was her best insult? It was almost disappointing. “Maybe,” I said.

Then she stage-whispered, “Are you totally alone over here?”

“No,” I said. I clearly was.

Then she looked around theatrically. “Looks like they put you at the sucker table.”

“It’s mood lighting,” I said.

“Why does it smell like diarrhea?” Parker asked next.

I glanced over at Lysander, now back at his station. But I said to Parker, “Must be your perfume.”

At that, Parker turned her attention to the portrait and studied it a good while.

“Who’s it supposed to be?” she asked at last. “The guy fromThe Hobbit?” She shifted her stance. “Wait—is it John Denver?” Then she took a step back. Then like she’d nailed it at last: “Hold up!Danny DeVito.”

“Don’t you have anythingat allbetter to do?” I asked.

“There’s nothing better than this.”

“Know what your being here right now tells me?”

“That I’ll always win?”

I gave it a beat. “That you still don’t have any friends.”

“I don’t need friends. I stole yours.”

“Yes, you did. But you didn’t get what you wanted.”

“Neither did you.”

She wasn’t wrong.

Parker looked around the room. “This is so brutal,” she said then. “Your painting sucks, your dress is awful, I’m pretty sure you’re being shunned by the art world, and your nemesis is right here, gloating.”

“Parker?” I said. “Get out.”

“No.”

“Get out before I call security.”

But Parker just smiled. “You won’t do that. You’re already at maximum humiliation.”

“Joke’s on you. I don’thavemaximum humiliation.”

But did the universe hear me right then and think,Challenge accepted?Because we were about to redefine maximum humiliation.

“Parker,” I said, “just go.”

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