Page 122 of Happiness for Beginners

“You did your best,” I said. “I know you did. Now let’s go kick some thirteen-year-old ass.”

Chapter 16

The first person—literally the first face—I saw as we walked into the top-floor ballroom of Chicago’s historic Mercer hotel was David “Dave-O” Hoffman. First boyfriend, first sex, and first—but not last—agonizing heartbreak. I am pleased to report that in the fourteen years since I’d seen him, he’d gone bald as a walnut. No wonder his Facebook profile photo was a headshot of Scooby-Doo.

He stood right near the door in an oversized suit, greeting guests and looking far more middle-aged than any ex-boyfriend of mine had a right to. I walked right up to him and waved. “Hi, Dave.”

He turned, stuck out his hand, and said “Hello!” in such a loud and overly cheerful way that he clearly had no idea who I was.

“It’s Helen,” I said, touching my hand to my collarbone. “Carpenter. From high school.”

I saw the recognition come over him. “Helen!” And then, as if the words escaped on their own: “You got better looking!”

“You got bald,” I shot back, as fast as a reflex. Oops! Too mean! Unnecessary! “Sorry.”

Dave stood up straighter. “In some cultures, baldness is a sign of virility.”

I gave an overacted nod of enthusiasm. “Yes! I’ve definitely heard that. Good point.”

Dave’s turn. But he didn’t say anything. Just held his breath, deciding where to take the conversation from there. At last, he went with, “How are you?”

“Great,” I said. “I’m great. Better than great.” I turned to Duncan. “What’s a word for ‘better than great’?”

Duncan made his voice about an octave lower and said, in a Spanish accent, “Excellenté.”

I turned back to Dave. “I’mexcellenté.”

Now it was all coming back to him. He wrinkled his nose. “Heard about your divorce.”

“Did you?” I said, sinking a little. I guess I’d asked for it with the bald thing. “Well,” I heard myself say then, “I’m completely over that. In fact, my ex just called the other week and begged me to come back to him. But I said no. Actually, my cell phone died before I got a chance to say no, and then I had to go into the wilderness for a while, so I haven’t technically said the word—but Iwillemphatically say no at the next opportunity.”

Duncan leaned in to catch my eye. “Did he?”

I nodded.

“He begged you to come back?”

I nodded.

“You know Jake and I will chain you up before we let you go back to that asshole.”

At that, Dave turned to Duncan and said, “Who’s this?”

“This is my brother, Duncan,” I said.

Duncan waved and said, “Hey, Dave-O.”

Dave burst out with a laugh. “Oh!” he said. “I was thinking he was your boyfriend. Like it was aHarold and Maudething.”

I wanted to smack him and say,What am I? Ninety years old?But I said, “Nope! Just my kid brother.”

Dave frowned. “I don’t remember you having a kid brother.”

“He would have been a baby back then.”

“Actually, I was eight,” Duncan said.

“Hey,” Dave said then, turning fully back to me, as if something were just occurring to him. “I’ve always wanted to apologize for being such a dick to you in high school.”

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