Page 30 of Happiness for Beginners

Jake was back to reading his whale book when I finally came back out. He didn’t look up.

“Must be a good one,” I said, gesturing.

“I’m underlining this time,” he said, holding up a pen.

I could so easily have crawled onto the bed beside him, put my mouth on his, and pulled us back into the maelstrom. We could have started up again where we left off. But an hour is a long time. Longer, even, if you’re on the phone with your ex-husband. Or, in Jake’s case, alone with your thoughts.

We’d both had a chance to think too much.

“So,” I said, standing too far away to solicit the answer I wanted. “Should we just, like, pick up where we left off?”

Jake kept his eyes on his book.

I studied him. “You don’t want to,” I said.

“I do want to,” he said. “You have no idea.”

“Then what?”

“I should never have started this. I was being selfish.”

“So be selfish,” I said. “I don’t care.”

“You should care,” he said. “You don’t need another selfish man.”

Of course Duncan had told him all about Mike. “Okay,” I said. “It’s been a rough year. Or six. Can’t I do something fun now?”

“Not with me.”

“You’re mad that I answered the phone.”

He shook his head. “No. I get why you did that.”

“He doesn’t mean anything to me,” I said.

“Well,” Jake said, “he means something to you.”

“Yes,” I admitted. “Of course. But I mean—” I paused. I wasn’t quite sure how to phrase it. “I’m not still hung up on him.”

“I know. It’s not that.”

“What is it then?”

“I think I’ve just had too much time to think.”

I paced to the window and back. “So now you’re saying no? You’ve been flirting with me since Boston, and doing badass PR for yourself, and staring at me like I was some kind of mouthwatering dessert, and now you’re just going to shut it all down?”

He was doing it again. Memorizing my face.

“Jake? Are you?”

“I have to,” he said.

“How fucked up are you?” I said.

But he was so serious. “You deserve someone better.”

“That’s not what you were saying yesterday! That’s not what you were saying an hour ago!” I knew plenty of guys like that. Guys who only wanted you when they couldn’t have you. Hell, I’d married one.

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