Page 59 of How to Walk Away

“Especially you,” I said.

Minutes later, when the men got the all-clear, I was all decked out in myFlashdancelook with the bra strap on the burned side tucked down under my armpit. On a normal person, this outfit might have been provocative. On me, it was just sad. My mother promised to bring me something normal tomorrow.

Ian began his lesson, but I didn’t even listen. I was too busy trying to catch another whiff of him.

***

LATER, IN THEgym, on the mat, as Ian worked my legs, I said, “I’m sorry I called you an asshole.”

Ian didn’t meet my eyes. “You called me ‘kind of an asshole.’ That’s different.”

“Not really.”

With a normal person, that might have been the start of some kind of conversation, but Ian just let it die. As we continued to work, first onone side, then on the other, then doing some actual sit-ups, I watched the other therapists talking to, encouraging, and playing around with their patients, and I couldn’t help it: I felt a little shortchanged.

Every attempt at talking fizzled out like a spark going dark.

“Are you married?” I tried.

“No.”

I waited for more.

Nothing.

Uncomfortable pause.

Me again: “Any kids?”

His jaw went tight. “No.”

Pause.

Me: “Hobbies? Things you do for fun?”

Another pause so long I thought he wasn’t going to even answer at all. About as conversationally agonizing as I could imagine. Finally: “Triathlons.”

“You do triathlons. For fun.”

“For a challenge.”

“Is there anything you do for fun?”

“Challengesarefun.”

I’d say, on the whole, he seemed about as excited to talk to me as he’d been to talk to Myles. But, dammit, I wasn’t Myles. I wasn’t taunting him like that. Or provoking him. Or out to get him.

But maybe I was, in a way.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but the fact that Ian was so reticent might have been good for me. With some people—not all, but some—when they run away, it makes you want to chase them. That was Ian: so withdrawn, it coaxed me out.

I tried again. “Thanks for the transfer lesson, by the way.”

Nothing.

“My family’s all a little freaked out right now,” I attempted.

Not even a nod for that one. He was working my ankles and just kept his head down.

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