Page 56 of How to Walk Away

I took in the sight of this very different Chip for a good while. True,my mom had succeeded in stoking some of my insecurities and semiconvinced me that I might never get a better offer than this one, right here, from a disappointing, wrinkled, slightly soused version of the man of my dreams. If my mom were here, she’d be hissing at me to say yes and just lock it down right now before he sobered up.

But I couldn’t.

Did I want to marry him?

I’d wanted to marry him for years—so long, I almost didn’t know how tonotwant to. Part of me still did, as bad as ever—maybe worse. But another part was having massive second thoughts.

He was looking at me. Waiting.Well?

The answer could have been easy. But easy didn’t exist anymore. If it ever had. “I don’t think so, Chip.”

His Shakespearean expression fell away, and he stood up. “No?”

“You said yourself it’s been a rough month.”

“I’m trying to make it better.”

“I get that, but I’m not sure this is the way.”

Chip’s face crumpled. There was no other word for it. “I’m so indescribably sorry about that night. I never meant for this to happen. I would give anything—anything—to change places with you.”

“This isn’t about the accident,” I said.

“What is it about?”

“How many times have you been to visit me here?” I asked. I genuinely didn’t know.

He looked fuzzy, too. “I’m not sure.”

“Three,” my dad offered, “if you count right now.”

I looked at Chip. “Three times in two weeks. Do you think that’s enough?”

“It’s just—” Chip’s voice caught. “It’s that every time I see you—all burned and messed up—I feel so guilty, knowing it was all because of me, knowing that I ruined your life. It’s like I’m suffocating.”

Really?I thought.

“Okay,” I said. “One: The jury is still out on whether or not my life is ruined. And two: Fuck you. You should have come anyway. I don’t careif you feel guilty. You should have been here every minute of every day. You should have been sleeping here and waking up here and buying me stuffed animals in the gift shop and bringing me Chinese takeout.Kittyhas been a better friend to me in here than you have.”

Kitty shot a glance over at my dad.

Chip looked down. “I’m sorry.”

“So you can see why the idea of marrying you, the idea of ‘in sickness and in health,’ doesn’t make a lot of sense to me right now.”

Chip looked down and nodded.

“It’s not the accident,” I said. “It’s everything since the accident.”

“But it’s not off?” he asked then, looking up. “The engagement’s notoff?”

“Well, it’s not friggingon.”

“Can it just be, like,on hold,then?”

I felt all six eyes in the room on me. I wanted to punish him. I wanted to tell him it was off—one hundred percent. I wanted to make it clear, to everybody, that insult to injury would not be tolerated.

Instead, I sighed. “It can be on hold.”

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