Page 98 of Sneak Attack

Healing wouldn’t come from running—but old habits were hard to break.

Finally, with a deep trembling breath, Hilary’s headstone appeared, and with it, the pungent aromas of the roses laid out not only in the provided flower bouquet holder next to it but piled in front.

So many flowers.

So manyfreshflowers.

Her parents had moved away, but her brother was still here. She’d had so many friends in town from being raised here since birth. Did all of her old friends still come see her so frequently?

I couldn’t imagine Selma doing such a kind, selfless thing, but Nate definitely would.

My feet froze as I arrived empty-handed and guilt grew from that. I hadn’t even considered bringing her something, something that would have made her smile. That would have made her happy and carefree and would have her infectious laugh making everyone smile.

Beloved daughter, world’s best sister, cherished friend.

The words were etched into the stone beneath her name and dates and brought a quick smile as I thought of Nate insisting the sister part included.

Tears swarmed my eyes as I moved closer, blocking everything else out around her and all the words I’d planned all morning fled.

“Hey.” I kicked at the vibrant green grass, recently mowed, so the scent of grass clippings mixed with the roses. A tuft of grass kicked into the air swarmed and fell with the same heaviness sinking in my stomach.

“I don’t know what to say now that I’m here.”

This was ridiculous. She couldn’t hear me, couldn’t absolve me for the part I played in her death. She couldn’t wave a magic wand and heal my guilt or hug me and tell me everything was okay, that she was fine and happy wherever she was—if she was anywhere besides buried beneath where I stood.

The thought made my feet itch to move away, but I forced myself to move closer, drop to my knees in the grass and then to my butt.

I picked at the grass, tried to find the words that if she were in front of me, would explain everything but the harder I tried, the more cliché and weak it all sounded.

“I’m sorry,” I choked out. “I’m sorry we hurt you and we lied to you. I’m sorry I was a shitty friend to you when you were so kind to me. I didn’t mean to hurt you, and I tried so hard to stay away….”

My breath shook and my heart rumbled so hard my pulse thundered in my ears.

Cole and I had been wrong, so very wrong to play the dangerous game we’d played for so long. We’d tried to stay away from each other. We tried to never be alone. We’d done the absolute wrong things with the best intentions when what I should have done from that very first day of school when I realized they were dating, was to stay away from both of them.

If only I’d tried harder, found a different group of friends or been a loner for a year. “If I could go back and make different choices, I would, you know.” I picked at the loose blades of grass in front of me and blinked away tears. “We probably wouldn’t have ever been friends, but you’d be alive, and I wish I could go back, but I can’t, and I’m so sorry for hurting you and for being such a crappy horrible and selfish person when you were never anything but so kind and sweet to me.”

She’d spent all of November and December trying to get me a date for January’s winter formal, never once affronted when I’d insisted I didn’t want to go. And I hadn’t because she’d wanted us to double date, me with one of Cole’s friends, but there was no way I could have done that. Instead, I’d stayed home, grabbed a blanket and winter coat and I’d taken my phone out to the boulder and had been watching Netflix on my phone when Cole returned from the dance and had the same idea as me.

It wasn’t the first time we’d found each other on the boulder, and it hadn’t been the last.

“How was the dance?”

“Hilary had fun.”

“Well, that’s what was most important.”

I hadn’t meant it as a slight, or to sound so bitter. “What do you want me to do, Eden?”

“Nothing.” I grabbed my extra blanket and hopped off the boulder. “You’re doing everything you should.”

“I’m not though, am I? When I’m with her, I think of you, and when I’m with you, I know I’m hurting her.”

“Then stop hurting her.”

And yet I’d come to this spot to be close to him, even when I couldn’t have him. When he’d made his choice and I was the idiot waiting for him. “Good night, Cole.”

“You’re leaving? Just like that?”

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