Page 69 of His to Cherish

Her voice trailed off. I was not a mom. I was an only child, born to parents who had died in a car accident shortly after I married Cory, and while I had known great loss, I knew that there was nothing more devastating than the loss of a child. She was watching him waste away, and I couldn’t bear to think that she’d ever have to go through anything similar to Aidan.

“Can I have some time alone with him?” I asked, my voice hoarse and thick with nerves when I turned to face her.

She nodded frantically. “Of course, please. Take whatever time you want. I’ll go get some food and come back, or I’ll stay in the waiting room until you need me.”

She looked lost, as if she didn’t know which way to turn.

“Beth.” I reached out and squeezed her hand in order to offer some minimal comfort. “He’ll be okay for a while so you can eat. It’s okay.”

“Okay. Right.”

She stayed in the hallway while I reentered the room, which was filled with a fog of apathy. Not that I expected Shane to jump for glee or even smile, but I felt more depressed just being there.

I took the chair Beth had been sitting in and clasped my hands together.

For several moments, I rolled the words that I wanted to say around in my head, but I tried to wait for some sign from Shane that he was willing to listen.

When I sensed he could outlast my silence by a fair margin, I closed my eyes and started talking.

“My parents died in a car accident a few years ago.” I didn’t look at him, but I could feel his eyes shift to me. I’d at least gotten his attention, if not his interest yet. “I know it’s not the same thing as Derrick. I was born in Ohio, lived there my whole life until I graduated from high school and moved north for college. They were on their way to see me, got caught in a bad snow storm, and lost control of their car after they hit a patch of ice.”

I let that sink in for a few moments. Without meeting Shane’s eyes, I looked up and saw him fidgeting with the sheets covering his legs.

“I understand that guilt of feeling like it’s your fault. If I would have insisted they come the next weekend. If I would have checked the weather, I could have flown them up instead of letting my dad drive. They were getting older, and he didn’t like driving outside our small hometown.”

I chanced a glance at Shane to see his eyes closed, but tears were falling down his cheeks and his chin was quivering.

“It’s okay to cry, Shane. It’s okay to be sad, and you’re going to be. And while I know we’ve already talked about that, I know that everything I say is the truth, because I’ve lived it. But you don’t have to let Derrick’s death be yours, too. He wouldn’t want that.”

I sighed, exhausted from the spiel that might have been completely useless. I rarely talked about my parents anymore for the simple reason that it hurt so much to dredge up those memories—the guilt, the second-guessing, the wondering.

It was all so freaking pointless, yet instinctual to anyone who had someone die and felt they could have prevented it.

“Shoulda-coulda-wouldas won’t help you heal, Shane.”

He sniffed and opened his mouth before shutting it again.

A muscle jumped in his cheek and I leaned forward, hoping for anything.

But while in one moment he seemed to compose himself, in the very next he dried his cheeks and shut down, turning away from me.

“Shane, honey. We just want to help you.” My eyes burned with unshed tears. I was so sick of freaking crying all the time. It seemed to be all I did. At school. At night when I still heard Shane’s terrified screams…With Aidan. “In order to do that, we have to know if you meant to take all those pills, sweetie.”

He flinched, whether from my coddling tone or my quiet accusation, I didn’t know.

Finally, his chin quivered as he inhaled a shaky breath.

“I don’t want to die,” he whispered, his voice raspy. “But I don’t want to hurt anymore and I can’t stop. I hear him, I see it…I see him fall and hit his head every time I close my eyes, and I just wanted to sleep.”

“Oh, Shane.” I rushed to his bed, and before I knew it, I did something completely inappropriate for a school employee to do with a student. I didn’t care. In that moment, I was just a family friend and my heart was bursting to get out of my chest. I climbed onto the bed next to him and wrapped him in my arms.

He stiffened before collapsing into my embrace.

His sobs echoed through the entire room and I had no idea how long I held him, shushing him and comforting him.

“I just wanted to sleep!” he cried out. His entire body began shaking and I held him tighter, pulling him so he was sitting up, so I could fully wrap my arms around him.

“I know, honey.”

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