Page 115 of You Started It

We’re standing on the glass floor.

“You love me?” he asks.

My throat burns as I watch his brown eyes glisten. “So much. I mean, I was willing to get on stage and sing and dance in front of people I know. For you! Not to mention…” I say, looking around the elevator and pointing down to the floor.

He laughs. “I love…that you were willing to do that, Jamie. But you don’t have to. You never had to. When I said those things to your mom, I was hurting and probably just trying to convince myself that we weren’t meant to be together. Knowing that you reached out to my best friends and somehow convinced them to teach you a dance all so you could win me back? I mean, I don’t want to compare,” he says, squaring his shoulders, “but I think this beats any plan you had to win back Ben.”

“You win, Axel. You win a million times over Ben. The way I feel about you is so different from what I felt for him. Ben made sense. With Ben I could see our entire future. I knew exactly what to expect with him and it was everything I thought I wanted. Or needed. The plans, the lists, it was all so I could have control over my life in some small way, since that had been ripped away from me at such a young age. But it was all fabricated. It was like following a script. For a while, the safety in knowing what lay ahead helped heal parts of me, enough that when you came into my life, I was ready for the real thing. The messiness of love. The fun. The ‘I have no idea what this guy is going to say or do next,’ and I love that.” I swallow and find Axel’s hands, interlocking his fingers with mine. “The thing is, I do feel calm with you. Serenity. Peace. Because you accept me for exactly who I am. And,” I say, smiling to myself, “while I may not know what our future holds or what might happen when we step off this elevator, when I’m with you, the anxiety that lives within me is a whisper.”

Axel’s grip tightens as his chest rises and falls with my words.

“Jamie, I—” The lights flicker off and on and the elevator shakes before resuming. Our bodies jolt apart as we lean against opposite walls.

Seconds later, the doors open and loud music pours into the elevator. Axel nods for me to exit first. I do, and then I inhale a large breath of air, but when I turn back to find Axel, he’s gone.

“Jamie!” Olivia calls out. “Are you okay? We heard there was an elevator that was stuck. Was that the one you were on?”

“Yes,” I say, like it was no big deal. “Where did he go?”

“Who?” she asks, looking past me.

“Axel. He was with me. We were…stuck together.”

She tilts her head and smiles. “Aww. That’s so romantic. Did you guys kiss and make up?”

“Not exactly,” I say, still searching for him.

“Ben!” Olivia yells over the music.

“For a tiny person, you’re very loud,” I say, peering down at her.

“Sorry. I’m just so excited. Are you still going to do the thing?” she asks, eyebrows raised.

“No. I don’t have to.”

“Ben,” Olivia says, pulling him into our huddle. “Jamie isn’t going to do the thing anymore.”

“You rode up the elevator,” he says, seemingly surprised to see me.

There is just way too much going on right now. Ben is beaming. Olivia is chiding. Axel has disappeared. I’m sweating under my coat. Ben must notice because he helps me remove it and Olivia brings it to the coat check person and then rejoins us.

“Have you seen Axel?” I ask him.

“Yeah. He’s by the stage with his friends.”

“Right. He’s performing,” I say, completely having forgotten that he was here for his own reasons.

“You coming in?” Olivia asks, clasping Ben’s hand.

“Yeah, I just need a minute,” I say, staying behind.

They smile as they walk away from the elevators and into the party. After a few steadying breaths, I force myself to do the same.

The CN Tower observation level is circular and surrounded by floor-to-ceiling windows and mirrored ceilings. The view of Toronto is breathtaking. Especially at night. Especially covered in snow. Especially now that I’m not seeing it trapped inside an elevator.

I stand at a window, staring out. It’s a sea of different shades of blue, from the sky to the lake. Yellow lights from the highways and the structures dot the view, and tonight, the water glistens like diamonds. The buildings look like they’re part of Santa’s village (if Santa lived in a city), and the horizon is a beautiful indigo.

I remain taking in the sights, thinking about how I spent the last four months not only getting to know myself but also getting to know this amazing city.

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