Page 85 of You Started It

I must push through.

With holey socks in one hand and old notebooks in the other, I take a deep breath and put them both down. Music. That’s what I need.

My music app is pathetically sparse. I haven’t ever curated any playlists. That’s never been my thing. I like music but I don’t worship it like Axel does. For him, music is a religious experience. I lie in bed on some propped-up pillows and decide to create a playlist to help me clean. It takes longer than I thought, since I don’t always know the names of the songs or artists and I end up having to google the lyrics I do remember. By the time I’m done, I have a playlist of twenty-three songs.

Most of which Axel introduced me to.

All of which remind me of him.

I turn on my Bluetooth speaker and hit Play.

The first song comes on. “Baby” by Justin Bieber. This is the song Axel chose for his Wonderland performance under the rainbow. The first time I truly noticed how talented he was. By the time the song is over, I’ve sorted through all the clothes on my floor.

As I alphabetize my novels, “New Rules” by Dua Lipa plays. This is the song he chose for our first dance lesson, right here in my room.

Beauty products. I bet these brushes could use a wash. I raise the volume so I can hear the music while I clean the brushes in the bathroom down the hall. “Treat You Better” by Shawn Mendes comes on, and without realizing, I bop my head along with the song as I rub cleanser into my brushes. Butterflies flip around in my stomach as I think about the intense eye contact Axel served me while dancing to this song in front of the fountains and the entire senior class.

Back in my room with Windex and paper towels, “Adventure of a Lifetime” plays. With a bare bedroom floor, I do the dabke alone, laughing on the outside at how terrible I am and aching on the inside because that moment seems like it was so long ago. I was so happy that night. Free. I danced in front of other people and didn’t even care.

Then “Lost Together” by Blue Rodeo comes on and that’s when I lose it completely. I fall into bed. Tears prick through my eyes and I cry remembering how safe I felt in Axel’s arms at the concert. How the cool rain danced on our warm bodies. How important and special it felt being on the receiving end of his eyes. Those eyes. Sometimes intense. Sometimes silly. But whenever his eyes were on me, nothing else mattered. With one look, he made me feel like the most important person in his world. That’s not something I get to experience often. Or ever.

Axel—even though we were technically fake-dating—made me feel like I was his entire universe and his best friend.

What did I do? I pushed him away and into the arms of my nemesis.

I sit up and glance around my almost sterile bedroom. This isn’t me. This isn’t the person I was when I was with Axel. I was messy. Chaotic. Emotional. I was me. And Axel liked that person. A lot.

Screw it. I’m going to text Axel and ask if we can talk. We’re good at talking. Communication has never been our issue. I need to stop getting in the way of us. Just as I’m about to start typing my message to him, I receive a notification from the “Buy and Sell” Discord. Someone wants to buy my books, and they’re willing to transfer me the money now.

I message back and forth with MartyMcFlyWishes, who is pretty elusive but quickly transfers the money into my account. When I reply asking where I should drop the books off, they tell me they’ll get back to me later with a date and time.

Weird but whatever.

I place the two sold books on my desk, running a hand over the covers. Regardless of what is going on with Axel and me, I should pay him back now that I have all the money. I open my bank app and transfer Axel the entire two hundred and twenty-five dollars.

Maybe when he sees the alert, he’ll call or text me. I lay back in bed and stare at my phone, waiting to see a message come through. A few minutes later I receive a text alert:Alexander Dahini accepted your money transfer.

My stomach twists as I wait for another alert.

Seconds pass.

Then minutes.

I’m doing that thing where I pick at my fingernails and chew my lips. I’m only made aware of this because I taste blood. Instead ofletting the anxiety monster take over, I decide to kill time by crossing off the last items on my cleaning to-do list.

But then an hour passes and still nothing from Axel.

It’s too late.

He’s already started to move on.

No second chance for us.

Instead, I’ll settle on being someone else’s second choice.

It’s surprisingly easy to revert to old routines. Instead of picking Axel up for school, I pick up Ben. Instead of having lunch with Axel, I have lunch with Ben. Instead of spending all my free time with Axel, I spend it with Ben. We do our homework together—like old times. Watch TV on Amo Eli’s couch—like we used to. Ben talks about our future. Unlike old times, I just listen. When he tries to hold my hand, I resist. I’m not there yet.

Maybe it isn’t so easy reverting toallold habits.

---