Page 74 of You Started It

“Jamie. Jamie.”

Someone shakes my arm. My name coming from Axel’s mouth sounds distant. I rise from my seat as the audience applauds my father’s performance. He steps down so he’s next to our table, standing across from me.

“Jamie,” he says, a pained expression on his face. Pretty sure it matches mine.

“What are you…? How did you…?” My eyes dart around, zigzagging across the table, unable to focus on anyone. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this right now.” I grab my things and rush out the front door of Kit’s, trying desperately to catch my breath. There’s a pounding in my head. My heart feels like it may burst from my chest. I bend over, unsure if my legs will support the weight of my body, trying not to throw up. I keep trying to take…in…deep…breaths…but…they…repeatedly…get…lodged…stuck…in my throat. In. Out. The vise is back, squeezing my lungs, not allowing any airflow in or out. I float outside my body, head spinning, disconnected from the ground below me.

Just as I feel myself falling backward, someone catches me, saying my name, over and over.

“Jamie. Sweetie, look at me.” My dad’s hands clasp my cheeks. He’s trying to get me to look him in the eye. “Breathe in, come on, you can do it.”

I nod and close my eyes, trying to breathe in the crisp night air.

“There you go. Again. Breathe in, then out.”

My eyes focus as I slowly come out of my fever dream and return to this living nightmare.

The vibrations of the music from inside thump in sync with my pulse. I stare at my father, his face inches away from mine. He looks the same. But a little different. Older. Scruffier. Leaner.

“Does that happen a lot?” Dad asks, studying me.

“No.” I shake my head. “Not anymore, I mean,” I say, shrugging off his touch. “Happened all the time after you left.” I wipe tears from my eyes with the back of my hand. “I’ve mostly gotten the panic attacks under control, but I guess when you’re met face-to-face with the person who triggered them in the first place, they decide to make an appearance.” I let out an unamused laugh.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“Right.” I laugh again, the action itself exhausting what’s left of my energy. “Why would you? You walked out and never looked back. Hell, I’m surprised you even recognized me,” I say, trying to form words as I stand upright, my fingertips still tingling.

Dad covers his mouth with his hand and brings it down his bearded face. “I’d recognize you in a room full of clones. You’re my baby. My mirror image. My heart.” Tears glaze over his eyes as he takes me in.

“If I’m all those things, then where have you been the last three years? Why haven’t you reached out?”

“It’s complicated, James. There’s so much you don’t know.” He rakes a hand through his dark hair as a million emotions course through me. Anger. Nervous butterflies. Happiness. Confusion. Sadness. Relief. Exhaustion.

The door to Kit’s opens and the bouncer asks my father if there’s an extra microphone for a couple who wants to duet. He gives him a quick response before turning his attention back to me.

“Do you work here?” I ask.

“I manage the place.”

“You’ve been in Toronto this whole time?” I turn away and watch as cars pass on the busy road in front of the bar, trying to hide the fact that I need to regulate my breathing again to avoid another panic attack. “I thought maybe you’d moved out of province or even Canada. I had no idea you’ve been only a few minutes away.” I face him again. “I don’t understand.”

“I wanted to see you. I tried, but your mom wouldn’t let me get within ten feet of you.”

“Does she know you work here? That you’re still in the city?”

Dad nods.

“I can’t believe her. She kept you from me?” I step up to him so we’re face-to-face. “She made it sound like you left and she had no idea where you were.”

“Your mom had her reasons.”

“You can’t defend her. That’s time we can’t get back. Milestones missed. Birthdays. Holidays. I’m not the same person I was when you left,” I say, hearing the tremble in my voice. “Why didn’t you at least email? Or call? Anything to show you still cared.”

Dad opens his mouth to speak but is interrupted by Axel, who bursts out of the bar with Finn and Diesel trailing behind him. Axel’s eyes are wide as he glances between me and my father. “Is everything okay?”

“Wait a minute,” I say, looking at Axel, then my father. “Did you know about this? Is that…is that why you brought me here?”

“We’re going to take off,” Diesel says to Axel.

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