Page 43 of You Started It

I face forward in my seat, my body sliding down ever so slightly. “I see.”

“Hey. It all worked out, right? You’ve got Axel and I’m with Olivia.” Every time he says her name, I envision myself grabbing a pair of rusty scissors and chopping off his long, greasy hair. “The fact that Axel’s teaching you to dance and you’re allowing him to is proof that he’s able to reach a part of you I never was.” Ben’s voice sounds almost sad as he delivers the end of that sentence. His phone buzzes before I can come up with a reply. He picks it up and types a message before turning to me. “Any chance I can catch a ride home with you?”

I agree without questioning why, too defeated by this entire conversation. Besides, after I drop Ben off, I can go to Axel’s and get him to finally sign our contract. And as a show of good faith, I’ll even play the doting girlfriend in front of his family.

The drive back to Ben’s is short but weird. It’s like every romantic song in the history of romantic songs plays during the seven-minute ride. My fingers can’t seem to change the stations fast enough.

“Since when did you start listening to pop music?” he asks as I pull up to his house and park.

“Axel programmed all those stations.”

“He’s really into music, eh?”

“Yeah well, it’s pretty much part and parcel of his job.”

“Job.” Ben laughs. “I’ve watched a couple of his TikToks. The one in front of the fountains at Wonderland was intense. It’s like he performed that one just for you. You must have hated the painfully overt display of affection.”

“Why do you say that?” I ask, twisting in my seat to face him.

“Because that stuff makes us cringe.”

“Does it?” I ask, furrowing my brows. “Because whenever I see you with Olivia, all of her is draped over all of you. And I only stopped myself from PDAs when we were together because you made it clear you weren’t into it.”

“So you like how showy Axel is?”

I think on his question for a moment before answering. “Yeah. I do. It doesn’t make me uncomfortable. It never did.”

“Oh.” Ben nods, like I’ve just told him those vegan breakfast bars he’s been consuming since ninth grade are made of pork. But this can’t be news to him. I followed his lead. I was like a little puppy, trying to do whatever I could to get a treat from my master. Looking back, I can see how pathetic it was. Howpathetic I was. Especially since I wasn’t like that in the beginning.

“You want to come in?” he asks. “Mom would love to see you.”

I ponder his offer. Mostly I think about how my gut response to his invite is “Nah, bro. I’m good.” It’s not that I don’t want to get back together with Ben anymore, it’s just not as simple a solution as it once felt. While I never thought things were perfect, I thought maybe I was the only one feeling the disconnect. I can’t fault Ben for having doubts or even wanting space, because there were times that I had doubts and wanted space. I also still can’t help worry that maybe something did happen between him and Olivia at camp. They just looked way too comfortable together that night I ran over Axel’s bike.

And here comes the anger again.

“Thanks for the invite but I have plans,” I respond.

“Right. You’re probably going to Axel’s,” he says, the tone in his voice a mix between disappointment and desperation.

“Remember how you said you hoped we could be friends someday?” I ask.

Ben’s eyebrows rise as he leans in.

“I’m not there yet,” I say. “I’m not sure when or if I’ll ever be.”

“Are you even trying?” he asks, slinking back.

“Why should I? No, seriously.” I shift to face him. “Why should I bother trying to be your friend when you can’t be honest with me about how you and Olivia came to be.”

“Is that what this is about? I thought we went over this. Nothing happened with Olivia until you and I broke up.” He looks away, and in that moment, I know for sure he isn’t telling me something.

“Physically maybe. But I don’t buy emotionally. See, the thing is, Ben, you were never really emotionally available to me that last year we were together, so in a way, it hurts more that you were busy forming this deep connection with Olivia over the summer while I stared at my phone, waiting for you to call or text.”

“What about you and Axel?” Ben says, an accusatory tone to his voice. “Were you really just staring at your phone all summer or were you hanging out with him?”

“That is neither here nor there,” I say, trying to divert attention from Axel’s and my origin story. We’ve been too busy building our current timeline to come up with a detailed backstory.

“How come you get to be pissed at how quickly I moved on with Olivia, but less than twenty-four hours after we were broken up, you were already dating him? That’s never sat right with me.”

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