Page 42 of You Started It

“Why would she think that? You dumped my ass for her,” I say, whipping the math textbook open. I am having deep regrets about agreeing to this. I wish Axel were here so he could make fun of Ben’s hair and make me laugh and forget for a moment why I so badly want to get back together with this guy who unabashedly broke my heart.

“You make it sound like I kicked you to the curb. I didn’t.”

“Felt like you did,” I say as I flip through the pages. “You weaseled your way out of my room pretty quickly the night you ended things.”

Ben shuffles in his seat. “I’ve never broken up with someone before. I guess I didn’t know how to do it, and you’re pretty convincing when you want to be so I figured I had to say what I needed to say and get out of there before you could change my mind.”

I huff out a laugh. “Whatever. You couldn’t wait to get out of my room and out of my life.”

“Not true, Jamie.” He places his hand on the textbook to stop my aggressive page-flipping. “I miss being around you.”

“Well, I don’t want you to get the wrong message,” I say, burying a slightly victorious smile.He misses me.I sit up straight and open my pencil case. “This is not me forgiving you. This is metutoring you until you can crawl out of the hole you’ve dug for yourself. Plus, I need the money.”

“Okay.” Ben nods and I exhale the breath I’d been failing to swallow. I’m proud of myself for not taking the bait. For not trying to tease out a confession about how unfulfilling his relationship with Olivia is. This is not how I want to get him back. It needs to be more than this. Bigger than him just saying “Oops, I made a mistake.”

Besides, I’m not done torturing him yet.

“What do you guys do for fun?” Ben asks as I review the answers to the practice questions I assigned him last session.

“Axel and me?”

“Yeah. You and Axel. And what kind of name is that anyway?” He chuckles obnoxiously.

“His given name is Alexander. Axel’s just a nickname.” A smile escapes me as I recall the moment Axel introduced himself to Eli. He’s quite charming when he wants to be. The only people he hasn’t seemed to win over yet are my mom and Ben. I’m still undecided.

I correct one of Ben’s responses by showing him the proper formula in red pen before finally answering his question. “He’s actually teaching me how to dance.” The white lie slips out, but I needed something better than “we hang out and plot different ways to make you jealous.”

“You?” Ben turns his face to bury a laugh.

I jab him with my elbow. “Yes, me. Is that so hard to believe?”

“Sorry. I’m just picturing the time Eli tried to get you to do the Macarena at our Labor Day barbecue and—” He holds up a finger to allow himself a moment to catch his breath from laughing so hard. It’s contagious, and I end up laughing too.

“It’s true.” I shake my head. “I am the most uncoordinated person ever.” I clear my throat. “But dancing is important to Axel, soI try.For him.” I really want to drive home the last two words because that’s the kind of girlfriend I am. It’s the kind of girlfriend I was to Ben. I’ll step outside my comfort zone for someone I love. Despite what some people might think, it’s not weak to do things for others. It’s how I show love. But I guess with some distance, I can see that maybe I tried to push my love language onto Ben a little too hard when things started to feel strained between us. And if I’m being honest with myself, it started even before he left for camp.

The first two years with Ben were perfect, at least from my perspective. Ben was pretty much the reason I didn’t crawl into a hole and hide after Dad left. He helped me get through the pain of losing my dad. The anxiety of never knowing when I’d speak to him next. He asked me about my sessions with my therapist and reminded me of the coping mechanisms she taught me when I felt a panic attack coming on. It made me grow even more attached to him, to the point where I didn’t think I needed to see her anymore. When Ben started distancing himself slightly, I clung on even tighter because I was afraid. I’d already lost my dad. I couldn’t lose Ben, too.

“Hey, I didn’t do so bad,” Ben says, looking over his work. “Only got one wrong, and you even gave me partial marks.” He brings up his hand for a fist bump. I ignore it.

“Let’s get to work.”

Trying to catch Ben up on the last few weeks of calculus is pretty painless. He’s picking up on the lessons quickly. I still can’t figure out if this is all a ruse to get me alone. But Ben must know he doesn’t need to make up an excuse to be with me.

He starts on another practice worksheet I made for him, and I can’t help but ask the question that’s been nagging at me.

“Before you left for camp, were you happy? I mean…did you think we were in a good place?”

Ben looks up from his notebook. He swallows and the grip on his pencil tightens. “Sure.”

“Ben.” I tilt my head. “If things were so good between us, then you and Olivia would never have happened.”

He exhales as his eyes move around the library. “I didn’t want to admit to you or myself that part of the reason I took the job at the camp, even after you learned you weren’t allowed to come, was because I needed space.”

“Space from me?” I ask.

He turns to look at me and heat rises through my body. I know I’m not going to like what he says next, but even so, I need to hear him say it.

Ben sighs and runs a hand through his hair as he puts his pencil down. “There’s this energy that surrounds you, Jamie, and I don’t…” His voice trails off again, as he searches for the right words. “I don’t blame you for being the way you are. I know with your dad leaving and your mom being your mom, it’s not easy for you. But a heaviness was starting to seep into our relationship, and once I was at camp I was surprised by how much lighter I felt.”

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