Page 21 of You Started It

“What’s going on? I was waiting for you outside the caf.”

I shift my eyes back. He does a slight nod and grin as he walks toward me and Ben. “Benji, right?”

“Ben.”

“Right, right. Benji, I’m going to steal Jamie for lunch.”

“We were in the middle of a conversation,” Ben says, slightly stepping to Axel. Despite Ben’s towering height, Axel doesn’t flinch.

“The thing is, you don’t really get to occupy her time anymore. That’s my privilege.” He turns to me and smiles. “As long as you’re okay with that?” he asks, waiting for my approval.

“I’m more than okay with it.” I smile back.

Axel grabs my hand and nuzzles my nose with his before tipping his forehead to mine. He winks and I can feel my cheeks flushing.

Maybe there are benefits to fake-dating someone the same height as you.

“Then off we go, James.”

“She hates when people call her that,” Ben says, an edge to his voice.

“That may have been true in the past,” I reply, my eyes moving from Ben’s to Axel’s. “But I like when he does it.”

Axel raises a shoulder at Ben and cocks an arrogant grin. “She likes when I do it.”

We turn and make our way down the hall. I can almost feel Ben’s eyes searing onto the backs of our heads.

Axel’s good.

He’s really, really good.

“Don’t,” I say, as Axel reaches for the chicken breast. “You’d be better off eating rubber. Go with the burger. Trust me.”

“Noted.” After we fill our lunch trays with barely edible food from the caf, we sit at an empty table by the stage. “Is this your regular spot?”

“I don’t have a regular spot. Ben and I used to eat lunch in my car or in a quiet hallway.”

“Is that why…” He stalls, opening his can of pop.

“Why what?” I ask, with a mouthful of burger. My body is weird. When I’m anxious in the morning, I can’t eat because it will mean a trip to the toilet. But for some reason, it’s not the same for me later in the day. I do tend to be more anxious in the mornings. And before bed. My mom likes to remind me that a lot of this is “in my head” and that I have the tools to manage it. As if I would choose to live my life this way.

She keeps pushing me about talking to my therapist again, but like I’ve told her a million times before, I’ve gotten everything I can out of Dr. Mueller. Anxiety is something I have to learn to live with. I’ve accepted that. Talking about my triggers or breathing exercises is not going to make it go away. Whatdoeshelp is crafting a life and future that not only meets my goals but gives me a sense of control. It’s what I had with Ben and it’s what I need to get back.

“It’s just, I’ve noticed that you don’t really, you know…”

“Have any friends?” I finish Axel’s sentence so he doesn’t have to. “You’re right. I don’t.”

“What do you do when you want to go somewhere?” he asks in earnest.

“I always went places with Ben. Actually, over the summer, I created this sort of bucket list of dates that he and I could go on together when he got back. Mostly, like, cheesy tourist attractions. I don’t know,” I say, picking sesame seeds off my burger bun. “I guess I thought it would be fun AND help rebuild some of what was lost.”

“What was lost?”

I swallow and press my finger into some crumbs on the table. “Well, he was away for two months.”

“Did distance make the heart grow fonder?” Axel asks, straight-faced.

I glance up to see Ben taking a seat at a table a few rows away. It’s filled with Olivia’s followers…I mean friends. Olivia sits on Ben’s lap and I know he must be cringing inside with such an overt PDA. Except on the outside, he looks just fine.

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