Page 102 of You Started It

“Good luck. I know they’ll say yes,” she hollers from Ben’s porch.

“Thanks.” I put down my bag and pull out my phone, implementing part two of my plan to get Axel back. I always feel creepy sliding into people’s DMs, but it’s all for the greater good.

“Jamie?” Ben calls from behind just as I finish typing my message. I hit Send and turn around. Ben jogs over to meet me at the end of his driveway, Olivia already inside.

“What’s up?” I ask. “Oh my god. You finally cut your hair.”

He blushes as he runs his fingers over his short tresses.

“Yeah. I did it as an act of protest after everything blew up.” His eyes find mine, and with his hair short again, he looks like the old Ben. But he doesn’t feel like him. “You really didn’t like the longer hair?” he asks, squinting at me.

“On you, short is better. In my opinion. Which,” I chuckle, “clearly bears no weight anymore.” An awkward silence stretches between us as we struggle to make eye contact. “I…I didn’t mean that in a snarky way. Just that I’ve finally accepted that it’s over between us.”

He nods, tucking his hands into his pockets, and I can’t quite read his eyes. Are they relieved? A little sad? Maybe both? “Hey, we had a pretty good run.”

“We did,” I say.

He opens his mouth to say something and closes it about three times before the words finally come out. “I should have been up-front with you from the start. Instead of telling you about my growing feelings for Olivia, I spent more time with her behind your back hoping it was just a small crush and that by the time summer was over, I’d be over her. But then I slipped up. That’s not who I am,” he says, his eyebrows in a sad little frown. “I’m not someone who cheats. Or at least, I wasn’t. And I think the reason I didn’t want you to find out is because then it would be like admitting that yeah, I am that guy.”

“I’m more upset that you lied to me about it than anything,” I tell him. “You made me feel like I was making it all up in my head, but I couldn’t ignore my gut. It also made me doubt everything else. Our whole relationship. And that’s kind of acrappy feeling, you know? To think that our time together wasn’t real.”

He shakes his head. “The three years we spent together were great. Amazing.” It’s quiet again. I don’t really know what to say back to that, so I just look at Ben and nod. “I really did love you, Jamie. You were my first love. My first kiss. I didn’t set out to be with Olivia. She’s so different but it just…”

“Happened. Believe me, I get it.” We both smile, then look away. “So you guys are back together?”

His eyes shine. “Yeah. Wait, is that hard for you to hear? I can stop talking about it.”

“No. It’s fine. Olivia’s not that bad,” I say, scraping my shoe against the curb. “In fact, she’s pretty great.”

“Is that your seal of approval?”

“Does it matter what I think?” I ask.

“Yeah. It does. You’re the smartest person I know.”

I poke his chest. “And don’t you forget it.”

Ben drags a foot over the ground before looking up at me. “Even if we’d never met Olivia or Axel, I think eventually we would have broken up. I saw you with Axel, Jamie. You legit looked lit from within when you were together. I couldn’t give you that.”

My throat starts to constrict, but I swallow down the burn. “I think I might be ready to try being friends with you.”

“Honestly, nothing would make me happier. Can we…hug it out?” he asks, eyebrows raised in hope.

“Sure. We can hug it out.”

Ben and I exchange our first hug in months and it feels good, but different. Kind of like putting on an old comfortable sweater I like but would never wear in public.

We release one another, each taking a tentative step back. “I guess I’ll head back inside so you can go see Axel. Your ‘fake’ boyfriend,” he says teasingly.

I want to retort that I have no plans to see Axel but that would be a lie, so I just say thanks before picking up my things and continuing on my way. I don’t even know why I’m walking to Axel’s house. It’s not like I have anything to say. I just want to see him. Maybe I’m hoping that will be enough and then I won’t have to follow through on this plan that could potentially blow up in my face and ruin me socially.

No big deal.

I walk up the steps to his front door and take in a deep breath before knocking. The door opens a few seconds later. Axel stands in the doorway dressed in a blue hoodie and gray sweats. He looks so warm and cozy. I imagine an alternate timeline where I’m here to watch a movie but instead all we do is make out. The most heartbreaking thing about this fantasy is it could have been true if I hadn’t gone and screwed it all up with my fiery temper and predisposed inclination to be a stubborn ass.

“Hey,” I say. “I was just in the neighborhood.” God. Is that the best I could come up with?

“Visiting Ben?”

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