Page 100 of You Started It

I check my phone. No messages from anyone. “Hey, Olivia?” I call from my seat outside her changeroom. “Do you have any fears?”

“Sure. Who doesn’t?”

“I’m claustrophobic,” I say. “Mostly when it comes to elevators. And the thing is, I’m not sure if I can actually attend the formal because of the elevator ride up the CN Tower.”

Olivia slides open the curtain and appears in front of me in her street clothes, holding onto her dress. A salesperson approaches as if out of nowhere and takes it from her, saying they’ll hold it at the cash register. Clearly, we’re not all treated as equals in the world of retail.

“It’s a one-minute ride,” she says with a casual shrug.

“But what if we get stuck? Like, halfway up? How do you get out? Will it take hours to get rescued? And what if it’s crowded and hard to breathe? What if I have to pee?”Or worse.

“A meteor could hit Earth right now and wipe us all out.”

I squint my eyes at her. “What’s your point?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” She lifts her shoulders, and I respond with a slight head shake. “Stop asking yourself what if something bad happens because…what if something great happens? Not to mention, it feels pretty kick-ass when you face a fear. There’s no better elevator to challenge your claustrophobia in than the one at the CN Tower. And all it takes is sixty seconds. In sixty seconds, your life could change—for the better!”

“You’re right,” I say, thinking about how many times in these last few months my life has changed in sixty seconds or less. Usually when I was least expecting it. I know there’s no cure for anxiety, but sometimes I get so frustrated by how unpredictable it is. I’ve been trying to practice mindfulness. I do my breathing exercises. I journal. I’m seeing my therapist again. And still, the panic attacks can come out of nowhere and the catastrophic thinking rears its head at the worst times, often resulting in painful stomachaches. Dr. Mueller tells me to be patient with myself, and that it is possible for me to live a full, balanced life.

“Ready?” Olivia asks.

I take in a deep breath and let it out slowly before standing. Olivia reviews my choices and shakes her head at the dresses I haphazardly selected. She walks back into the store and examines the options. Moments later, she’s smiling as she shows me the dress in her hands.

“This,” she says, holding it out, “is the dress.”

The gold sequined dress in Olivia’s hands is beautiful. A sure-fire knockout, but I’m not as confident I can pull it off as she seems to be. “It looks expensive.”

“It’s half off. Under a hundred bucks. You can’t go wrong. Just try it on,” she says, handing it to me.

I take the dress and force a smile. Behind the curtain, I begin to undress. As I’m slipping it on, it occurs to me that I am not wearing the right kind of bra for this neckline. “Um, Olivia. I don’t have on the right undergarments.”

She laughs. “You’re seventeen. Go braless.”

“I will not,” I say.

“Just do it now so we can see how it fits. If you need chicken cutlets, we’ll buy some.”

I have no idea what she’s talking about but I follow her orders and remove my bra. “I need help,” I say, backing out of thechangeroom, my hands cupping my chest. Olivia zips me in and then forces me to turn around.

“Do I have taste or do I have taste?” she says, nodding approvingly. “See for yourself.”

I step onto the pedestal and face the mirror. The crisscross straps and pleated skirt look perfect for dancing in all night, but it’s not quite me. As I try to find a way to break it to Olivia, a familiar song comes out over the speakers. It’s the Dua Lipa song Axel played in my room when he tried to teach me how to dance. The memory brings a smile to my face.

“Thinking about Axel?” Olivia asks. “And how he’ll twirl you around in that fierce dress? To be honest, I don’t know why I’m encouraging you to buy it. I think I’m in love with it myself.”

As Olivia goes on about cut and fit, I focus my attention on the lyrics of the song and they make me laugh. And smile again. They also make me want to dance. Right here. In front of Olivia and everyone else. Something I never thought I’d be able to do or want to do. But Axel changed all that.

He changed so many things. He showed me the world through his eyes. He taught me to stop taking myself so seriously. He encouraged me to embrace who I am and dared me to take risks. And he showed me how to love again.

Axel made me feel like I was the main character in his life.

For a time, he was mine.

I love him.

I love Axel Dahini.

And I know exactly how I’m going to show him. Because words aren’t enough.

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